A Silent Monster

Author: RemWolf
Rating: PG
Archiving: All FQF will be archived solely at this site until September 30th, 2004. At that point, the author may post the fic elsewhere or may be contacted to have this fic archived at different sites if they so choose.
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. I do not own Harry Potter, its characters, or anything associated with it. I'm not making any money from this story, and I don't intend to.
Challenge & Summary: New Moon 10 - Everyone always believes Remus is the "good boy" of the group. Sirius knows that Remus isn't such the quiet and studious boy after all.
Author Notes: This was originally intended to be a manga, but because ofÖsomethingÖI did to my back, I canít sit long enough to draw each page like I should. So I gave in and wrote it as a fic. I apologize if it seems a little odd, but in its original form, it was slightly (actually a lot) different and made more sense probably. Anyway, please enjoy it as best as possible.

Dedicated to my beta-fish, Lakiya, Briarwolf, and Dirtypantiez (Syd), as well as Fredskittie, because it was their inquiry on Livejournal that gave me the idea on how to go about writing this.


It was dark in the room, the smoky heat of the fire not quite dissipated long after it was extinguished. Sirius tugged at his shirt collar, sweat-soaked clothes sticking to his skin.

"Remus?"

He could hear him breathing. Ragged and tired, those were the words. He could hear his ragged and tired breathing.

"Remus?" he called out quietly a second time. The others breath seemed to pause as he held it, listening. Sirius felt his own breath stop in his chest as he heard the others voice whisper.

"Go away, Sirius. Leave me alone."

It was a desperate sound, a childish pleading that Sirius had never heard from the other. Remus was always so composed, so sure of himself even when he was at his shyest. Even when that fool Malfoy was pushing him around, Remus was never anything but himself. But...

Go away, Sirius. Leave me alone.

"Remus, why wont you just tell me whatís wrong? It can't be all that bad," he said. A sharp, derisive laugh rang out over the stone floor and across the walls, echoing back painfully to both boys ears in bitter tones. Again, a sound that Sirius had never heard from Remus, a sound Remus had never even heard from himself. It scared him.

Remus stood from his hiding place behind a large, overstuffed armchair. In the darkness, he was no more than a darker shadow in a room full of shadows. Sirius watched the boy cautiously as he moved, afraid he would make for the door, and that Sirius would have to track him down for the fifth time that night. But Remus only sighed --a small sound-- and fell into the chair with a soft thud. Sirius sighed, a mix of relief and apprehension, and found a chair close to his friend, making sure the door was locked behind them.

The sat in silence for a small eternity, the heat of the air conflicting with the cold that seeped up from the stone and into the boys bare feet. Remus shivered, and drew his knees up to his chest and the warmth of the chair. Sirius ignored it, intent on studying the other as well as he could in the dim light of his wand.

"Remus-"

"I can't, Sirius."

Sirius said nothing. Remus shifted under his gaze, and wrapped his arms around his chest, burying his hands in the dark folds of his robe.

"I can't. You donít know what you're asking me." Remus said.

"I'm asking you to tell me whatís wrong. I'm asking you to tell me why you said no. You can."

"I can't..." Remus said again, without conviction. Sirius just watched him, his confident dark eyes filled with something Remus couldn't --wouldn't-- name. Remus couldnít meet them, didnít want to see them. He stared at his own feet instead.

It was so easy for them&, he thought, to just up and leave me. So easy..... Remus shook his head. His parents, his family had disowned him. Now that he was old enough, they told him, now that he could 'fend for himself', they didnít want him anymore, couldn't stand to have him as a son any more. Couldn't bear it. Don't come home. Find someplace else. But they hadn't even told him in person, didnít have the decency to say it to his face. But then, decency was something you saved for humans, and he wasnít really human.

How could he explain the panic that had welled up inside him in that moment between the words that doomed him to a life of struggle and loneliness? Screaming, searing pain and anger, total crushing how can you do this how can you do this how can you do this sorrow shutting down his senses, shutting down his brain. Did you ever care? Was I always just a burden on you? Were all those smiles you gave me fake, hollow and angry and hateful? Did you ever care?

He had nowhere to go, when that letter came. Hogwarts had become his home, and at the end of the year he would be out on his own and then there would be nowhere.

I canít ask them, Sirius, James, Peter. I canít ask them to take me in when I know what I am. How can I ask them to take on a monster? I can't.

So he had decided to save up his own money. He had never had much anyway, now he had none.

Dark doorways, black halls. Anyway you need it, I wonít ask, just donít cheat me when youíre through, don't tell anyone what we do.

It had become his mantra.

But as the days followed and he couldn't bring himself to look into Sirius's eyes, Remus had withdrawn. He became cold, didn't respond to the warm touches and gentle coaxing as he once did. He felt disgusting, dirty, sick. Sirius was anything but.

I can't bring myself to touch you, canít bring myself to hold you. Can't you see the sickness that lies beneath my skin? Arenít you afraid I'll make you sick and tinge your hands with slime?

"Where are the new scars from, Remus?" Sirius asked in the silence. The wounds that glistened on the boyís porcelain skin beneath his robes stood out like brands in the twilight glow. Sweat trickled down the boysí neck and Sirius reached out a hand to wipe it away. Remus seemed to shrink from it, however, and Sirius paused, withdrew it back to himself.

Knives. Wolf-teeth. Anything sharp. Doesnít matter. Watching the red, seeing it leave me, I feel the emptiness in my veins like relief and the coolness on my skin like ice. It feels better than the full thoughts and hot guilt thatís really there. Mindlessly rushing head on through the density of the forest, it never seems to matter. You canít keep up with me but I know you try.

"Just tell me something. Please."

Sirius leaned forward, tugging gently on the others robe, plying his hands away from their grip on his sides, holding them in the air. Remus tried to pull them away, but Sirius's grip was firm. The marks were there, too, he could see. Red and hot and burning against his fingers.

"Come and live with me."

"What?" Remus jerked beneath his grip, turned to stare at his friend.

"Come and live with me. I saw the letter." As if this would explain things.

"How could you have seen the letter? Did you go through my stuff?" Remus asked, annoyed and angry, but looking at Sirius for the first time that night. Sirius gave him a lopsided smile.

"You left it on your bed this morning. I found it when I came to wake you up." he suddenly grew sullen. "Why didnít you tell me?" He pulled the other boy down as he tried to stand, forced him back into the chair and closer to his face.

"If you knew, why did you ask me whatís wrong?" Remus pulled viciously at his arms, trying half-heartedly to free himself from Sirius grip. The room suddenly went black as Sirius's wand went out, the spell winding down. Remus grew still, his form tense, muscles tight beneath Sirius's hands. He did not let go to pick the wand up and start the spell again, and Remus found that it was easier for him to breathe in the dark. He could smell the scent of sweat and anxiety that bloomed off his own skin, and the smell of Sirius's skin.

Sirius let his hands fall, still holding Remus's arms, down to his sides. He sat forward, as far as he could, until he was knee-to-knee with the other, and could feel the air from his breath on his face. He paused, to think of the best way to put his answer.

"I...wanted to hear it from you, I guess. I wanted to see if it was something more." he stopped, expectantly.

More. Definitely something more. Something about the smell of your skin.

"Is it?"

Remus could see Sirius, even in the dark, stuffy room. He could see his eyes, shining with light that doesn't come from outside, see his face, his hair, his nose, his lips.....He could see everything, feel everything.....

".....No." Remus turned away, afraid that Sirius could sense him staring, even if he couldnít see it.

"You're lying."

"I know."

"Then come and live with me."

"Don't you care? That I'm lying?"

"No."

"Why?" Remus turned to him suddenly, oblivious of the dark, and leaned forward, so that their faces almost touched. "Why donít you care?"

Sirius didn't move, didn't blink. He seemed to be studying Remus, though Remus wasn't sure if he could see.

"Because it doesnít matter either way. Because I think.....I think it could work, either way."

Remus stiffened, pulled back. Sirius finally let go of his arms, and the spots where his hands had been were suddenly cold and numb in the emptiness left behind.

If I never told you, never showed you the real reasons for some of these scars? If I lied and hid everything that might scare you away? Even if I'm not how everyone sees me, not as good as you might want me to be? Even with the monster inside me? You still.....

".....Think it could work?" Remus asked tentatively.

"Yes."

Sirius leaned forward, slid his hand into Remus's and pulled the other youth closer. In the muffled heat of the room, Sirius's skin felt cool and soft against Remus's own. He felt the warm, wet pinpoints of lips against his neck and the rumbling in his bones and sighed deeply. While Sirius pulled at their robes in the dark, Remus climbed from the over stuffed armchair and onto the others lap, robe shedding in the process. His bare skin glistened white, roped with the thin scars that sliced their stories into him. Sirius mumbled something softly, hands running across Remus's chest, and pulled him down into a deep kiss that left the other breathless and shaking.

"Even if I'm silent? Even if I'm not always how I seem?" he asked suddenly. Sirius looked up, pausing. Though they were both 17, Remus was at least a foot shorter and comparatively smaller. Sirius studied him in the dark with his hands, feeling the scars and curves of his body, the bones beneath his skin.

"Yes."

Remus leaned down and rested his head on the others shoulder, smelled the sweat and salt on his skin.

If I could wake up like this.....everyday..... I think.....

"I think....."

That this monster.....

"I'll come with you."

Might go away......

Sirius grinned, oblivious of the dark.

"I would like that, Remus."

".....Me too."

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