Getting to the Point

Author: Lucki Lyotto
Rating: PG-13
Archiving: All FQF will be archived solely at this site until September 30th, 2004. At that point, the author may post the fic elsewhere or may be contacted to have this fic archived at different sites if they so choose.
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. I do not own Harry Potter, its characters, or anything associated with it. I'm not making any money from this story, and I don't intend to.
Challenge & Summary: New Moon#2: Harry comes to either Sirius/Remus for sex advice. Remus and Harry haven't talked much since the war ended, but is Remus ready to talk, of all things, gay sex with with the godson of the only man he's ever been with?
Author Notes: Tremendous amounts of thanks to Noche for being such a wonderful beta, Jordy (though he'll never read this) for being the best gay 'brother' a slash writer could ever have, and Minotaur for providing a way to make sure I wasn't too far out there.

There was a nest of some sort of insect outside the window. He knew this because its inhabitants had been slamming into the glass for the majority of the day thus far. It had drawn his attention first somewhere around nine o'clock in the morning, and he had been serenaded by intermittent thumps up through to the present moment of noon. After the first few, he had decided that it might be best to mention this to the owner of the little bed and breakfast. The man had smiled, thanked him, and said he would send one of his sons out to deal with it when he came home.

So it was that Remus didn't realize there was an owl tapping at his window until a rather indignant hoot met his ears.

"It's been a long morning," he informed the ruffled little bird by way of apology, offering it a bit of biscuit as he took the parchment it carried.

He knew who it was from before he had finished unrolling it to see the signature. The thin, black letters scrawled across the page could only belong to one person, and a smile slid across his lips. Harry hadn’t written for some time now, which was understandable given the current circumstances. Life made it difficult for Harry to find a moment’s peace, poor boy.

Dear Remus,

As you may have guessed, I’ve been rather busy lately. There’s barely been time enough to keep up with Ron and Hermione, and the two of them don’t move about like you do. Everything has just been so hectic and hurried, that it never really crosses my mind to write anyone anymore.

That said, I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch with you. Mrs. Weasley said you’d gone out to visit some old friends in Ireland last she’d heard, and then Tonks told me you were in Wales. I hope this letter finds you settled somewhere for a rest. All of the traveling you do these days would make me dizzy.

I was also wondering if you would be anywhere I could see you sometimes soon. Or maybe somewhere that I could at least call you. It’s so much easier for me to talk in person or on the telephone, and I know you can use one (unlike Ron, who still gets confused whenever one rings). If not, I suppose I can always settle for letters.

I really am horrible at putting my thoughts on paper.

           -            Harry

Chuckling, Remus read the letter again with a smile. It would be good to talk to Harry again – uncomfortable, perhaps, but good. So he pulled out a quill and some parchment, opening a bottle of ink, and began to write.

Dear Harry,

To address your last question first, I would be more than happy to speak with you again whenever possible. I plan to return next week, but if you would like to talk to me before then there is a telephone open to public use where I’m staying. If you would like to call me…


“Merlin, but I haven’t used one of these things in ages.”

“Neither have I, unless you count teaching Ron how one works.”

Alone in the small study, Remus chuckled, leaning back in his chair with the receiver held to his ear by his shoulder. “I don’t suppose that would count, no.”

“Anyway,” there was a smile in the static-marred voice, and it elicited a matching one on the werewolf’s end as well. “How are you? How goes the travelling? It seems like forever since the last time you were here.”

“It has been quite a good portion of forever, at least. I’m as well as can be expected, though. I met up with an old friend in Ireland, as Molly told you. He’s a werewolf as well, so he doubled his recipe for the wolfsbane potion and we shared a long full moon night staring at one another from opposite sides of his library.”

Harry laughed in that way that isn’t quite comfortable but isn’t quite forced, and there was the rustle of movement on the line.

“What about you, then? Aside from teaching Ron about Muggle artefacts, what have you been up to?”

“Er…welll,” there was an uncomfortable silence as answer.

“That interesting, eh?”

“I’m at Hogwarts constantly for no reason other than feeling somewhat useful there.”

“I understand.”

It was silent for a time again, then, “Do you mind if I get a drink real quick?”

“Actually, I was just thinking I might go get a cup of tea.”



“I’ll call again in a few minutes, then?”

“I’ll be waiting.”


“It was hilarious. They just kept screaming at each other and then they’d kiss and then they’d be screaming again.”

Remus laughed. “They sound like just about every couple I know at their age.”

“I know they love each other, but…wow.”


There was motion on the other end. “Hmm?”

Shaking his head, Remus sipped at his tea. “How much have you had to drink?”

“Er…” It took a moment of static to get an answer. “Half a bottle.”

“You should probably slow down.”

“I’m fine. I think I’m just talking before I think, I think. I mean…wait…that didn’t make any sense did it?”

“Ha! Are you sure it was only half the bottle?”



“Next topic!”

Remus leaned back in his chair as they both laughed.

“So…um…Remus…it’s good to talk to you and all, but…er…I had a reason for calling.”

“I thought you might have.”

“I just have to remember it now.”


There was a cracked sigh. “Okay. Serious time.”

“Sirius time isn’t likely to help.”


“Nevermind. You were saying?”

“Right. Well…y’see…I’ve been seeing someone…”

Remus coughed. “You called me for relationship advice?”

“Well…sort of.”

“Sort of?”

“Er…it’s not the relationship itself that I need the advice on.”

Confidence wavering – sip the tea. “What…sort of advice then?”


“I was afraid of that,” Remus muttered. A little bit more clearly, then, “I really don’t think I’m the person to be coming to about girls, Harry.”

“Who said we were talking about girls?”

“Pfft! Kuh!”

“Remus? Are you okay?”

“Fine! Fine.” On his feet, Remus brushed at his lap, coughing on the warm liquid he had just attempted to introduce into his lungs, teacup set carefully on a desk that had faired no better than his trousers at this point. “Just taking an impromptu tea bath apparently.”


“No. No. It’s quite…quite alright.” He glanced nervously at the door. It was locked. He knew it was locked. Still… “Seriously, Harry…”

“Seriously, Remus.”

“Oh good gr—wait. Why did you decide to come to me about all this?”

“Well, I…it’s just…”

Remus could feel a sinking in his stomach, that nervous, hollow drop.

“It’s just that you spent so much time with…with Sirius…and Hermione made a comment about it once, that maybe the two of you were… I don’t know.

“Oh dear.”

“I just thought…”

Remus sat back down, feeling rather lost. This was not generally his realm of expertise. Well, it was, but… “Oh…dear.” Sirius. Sirius should have been the one sitting there talking to Harry, about girls or boys or whatever else happened to come up in the conversation. Advice with defending one’s self from a charging manticore, now that was something Remus knew he could handle, but holding a telephone conversation about sex with the godson of the only man he had ever… How special.

“If you’d rather not…”

“No! No. It’s alright, Harry. I just…” He took a deep breath and sighed, rubbing at his temples. “I’m not completely sure you should be the only one drinking.”





“What about it?”

“It’s important.”


“Think about it, Harry. Would you really want to attempt a meaningful relationship with someone who didn’t kiss you?”

“Well…no. I don’t suppose I would.

“Right. So kissing is very important. Do you kiss…er…whoever it is you’re you kiss them often?”

“Yeah. I suppose I do.”

“When they aren’t expecting it?”

“Um… I don’t know. Should I?”

“Of course you should. It generally makes people feel loved if they aren’t expecting the affection. Sirius…Sirius used to kiss me all the time, especially if I looked upset. You know, just a soft peck…remind me he was there.”

“That’s…that sounds nice.”

“It was.”

“So kissing, then?”



What about…er…oral?”

“Hmm? What about it?”

“Have you ever…?”

“Harry. I admitted I was gay somewhere around my fifth year in Hogwarts at the latest. What do you think?”

“Oh. Well, any pointers?”

“Poi—I should’ve bought more to drink.”


“No. No. Well, it really varies from person to person, I suppose. Rather free form, really. You just have to find out what your partner likes.”

“Oh. Such as…?”

“Well, you can do different things, like…well, humming can be good.”


“Mmm…yes. Yes. Humming. And you can always play with everything around the groin. Sirius liked that. He had something about his hips and…well…his balls. Of course, some people don’t like that. I, for one, prefer getting right to the point.”

“Eheh…the point?”

“Hmm? Ah. Alcohol induced puns. Lovely. Next?”


“We’re talking about gay sex, right? So…”



“So that’s another thing that varies.”

“It is?”


“What…er…varies about it?”

“Well, preferences, needs, etcetera.”


“Eh…hmm… Top or bottom, give or take. That’s one. Some men just prefer to be in one position or another. Frankly, Sirius and I never had that problem, but it happens.”


“Then there are issues such as…well…preparation, for one. Some people need more than others in that respect, and a single person can actually vary from time to time. Closer to full moons, for example, sometimes I’d need more and sometimes less than usual.”

“I feel like I should be more disturbed by that than I am.”

“Probably. Have another.”


“Anything else I should know?”

“Hmm. Can’t think straight enough to come up with anything.”

“If it involves thinking straight, there’s a problem.”

“Very funny.”

“Drunk then?”

“Completely and utterly pissed.”


“Into any kinks you could give me tips on?”

“Into them, yes. Willing to divulge that much of my sex life, no.”

“You’ve been rather explicit on some of the other topics.”

“But they weren’t topics that required it. It just happened.”

“Then I’ll have to come up with ways for more telling to ‘just happen,’ I suppose.”

“Can you not and say you did?”

“We’ll see.”

“We will indeed.”

“So what about bondage?”



“I believe there’s an hourly fee for use of this telephone.”


“Oops indeed.”

“Well, I think we’ve run out of conversation anyway.”

“True enough.”

“I’ll pay for it.”

“That would involve remembering enough of this evening to know you have to.”

“I’ll write myself a note right now.”

“That would involve you being able to read your own drunken scrawl.”


“Goodnight, Harry.”

“Goodnight, Remus. Thank you.”

“Not a problem. Just don’t expect to hear from me any time soon. I have a feeling I’ll be in hiding in a dark room trying to get rid of a hangover tomorrow.”

“Nnn…same here.”

“Goodbye, Harry.”


“Well…bugger. I can’t half see the cradle to the phone.”


That nest of insects was still outside of his window. He knew this because its inhabitants had been slamming into his window for a good four hours now, and he was about ready to reach outside and throw it into the road himself. Unfortunately, opening the window would involve opening the blinds, which would in turn involve allowing sunlight into the room. Sunlight was most definitely not something he wanted to deal with at the moment.

Of course, the knock at the door around two in the afternoon was still rather unwelcome, but he dragged himself out of the bed and pulled on a shirt to answer it.

“Mr. Lupin? My son was wondering if you’d mind him trying to get at that nest now.”

“Eh? Oh. No. No. That’s fine. I’ll just…ow…I’ll get dressed and come downstairs for something to eat in a moment and he can have at it then.”

“Alright, Mr. Lupin.”

It took a good twenty minutes or so before he managed to drag all of his clothing on properly and stumble out the door, head pounding and eyes unamused by this thing called daytime. He waved to the man’s son, as they passed one another in the hall, and it was a moment before he realized that the boy had said something. Blinking in confusion, Remus turned around just in time to see a wink and grin before the door closed. With a groan, he headed down the stairs, muttering tiredly all the while.

“Gay werewolves should not be teaching sex education.”

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