I Scream, You Scream...

Author: Neato
Rating: NC-17
Archiving: All FQF will be archived solely at this site until September 30th, 2005. After that, it's yours to do with as you will.
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. I do not own Harry Potter, its characters, or anything associated with it. I'm not making any money from this story, and I don't intend to.
Challenge & Summary: Challenge SS #12: Remus gets a summer job in Diagon Alley. Sirius likes to annoy him during working hours. Sirius can't get enough of Foretescue's Ice Cream...or Remus.
Author Notes: Dedicated to one of Canada's finest betas - Irish_Lily, Maggie Moo's Ice Cream and the five pounds gained while trying to inspire my muse, and Florean Fortescue, who tried to fight the power in HBP. Also note that one line is shamelessly stolen from Kevin Smith's "Clerks" and is not mine, though I wish it was.*

Remus was starting to think that Sirius was really quite a bad influence on him. His parents often complained that his behavior had declined since he first went to Hogwarts and met that “Black boy”. He was able to keep his grades up, but Remus often had to finish assignments at the last minute because of some scheme Sirius had coerced him to go along with. Lately, however, homework was put off for snogging and shagging sessions rather than pranks. Remus couldn’t really complain about that too much. Sirius had some sort of hold over Remus that caused him to go along with ideas he knew would ultimately lead to some sort of disaster.

Which is why, Remus thought in retrospect, he never should have mentioned to Sirius that he needed a summer job.

Initially, working in Diagon Alley seemed like a brilliant idea. He’d be out of his quiet little town and away from the prying eyes of his parents and gossipy neighbours, for one. He also knew that he could make more money working at a popular London shop than at the local grocer or even in an internship at the Ministry (a point he held over James’ head for the last month of the term). And, of course, spending all day in London meant spending time with Sirius.

It wasn’t all bad. Mr. Fortescue hired Remus immediately, since the summer months were the busiest time of his year. He gave Remus a nice paycheck, and never asked him why he needed three consecutive days off every month. And, of course, there was the free ice cream.

But there were also the customers. Squalling brats who would throw tantrums unless Remus gave them exactly two full scoops of Fortescue’s Fudge Fantasy with extra exploding sprinkles; frustrated mothers who yelled that Remus was inexcusably rude for charging them the standard 5 knuts extra for the additional sprinkles; the random Slytherins who were delighted to have a Gryffindor serving them sweets. Not surprisingly, none of these patrons left very good tips. After a ten hour shift, Remus would often remark that his job would be great were it not for the customers, which was usually followed by Sirius telling him to shut up because all his plans were brilliant, including this one.

When he had started this job, Remus had told himself it would get easier as the days went by. By August, he found it had only become more difficult to tolerate. Having Sirius around, distracting him from his work, only made things worse. What made it more infuriating was finding Sirius sitting at a table, cheerfully eating a sundae at ten o’clock in the morning, after Remus had all but forced himself out of bed.

“Mornin’, Moony!” Sirius exclaimed around a mouthful of fresh ice cream.

Remus mumbled something vaguely obscene in response.

“Oh come now, is that anyway to greet the most devastatingly handsome man you know? And the best kisser you know, I might add,” he replied, scooping out a spoonful of hot fudge.

“Of course not. And if Fabian Prewitt were here, I’d give him a proper hello.”

Remus watched Sirius’ face turned a spectacular shade of red before he smiled. “Oh…very funny,” Sirius grumbled before taking a rather vicious stab at his ice cream.

“Padfoot, how do you afford all this ice cream?” Remus asked as he sat down next to his boyfriend. “I mean, you have a least two sundaes and three cones a day! I know you’re rather well-off and all, but it’s got to add up!”

Sirius laughed as he took another bite. “Me? Pay for all this? Please!”

“You mean…you get it all for free?” Remus asked. “But…how? Mr. Fortescue only gives free ice cream to his employees and special customers!”

“Special customer!” Sirius exclaimed, pointing the spoon at his chest.

“Come off it! Just because you hang around here all day doesn’t make you special. How did you get preferred customer status?” Remus inquired, leaning back and folding his arms over his chest.

“Cute story, really,” Sirius started as he finished off the treat. “I was but a lad of seven. Mother was forcing me to accompany her on her daily errands when we passed this very establishment. I asked her in my own special way--”

“Meaning you whined and threw a tantrum?”

“Don’t interrupt me, please. And…maybe. Anyway, back to my brilliant story. Naturally, she turned me down in her own gloriously bitchy manner. That was when I noticed that good ol’ Florean was outside, wiping down the tables. So, I explained to my mother – possibly a tad louder than was necessary – that the reason I wanted ice cream was because Mr. Fortescue had to be the nicest man ever and he made the bestest ice cream in the entire world. And that, my dear Mr. Moony, is why I am a special customer.”

“Arse-kisser from the very beginning, eh?”

“Only when it’s beneficial. And speaking of arse-kissing…” Sirius cooed as he scooted his chair closer to Remus’.

“Padfoot, please! I’m at work!” Remus hissed as he pushed away the hand slowly traveling up his thigh.

“Come on, Moony! It’s been ages, you know. What made this ingenious plan of mine for you to work here so ingenious is that we’d have lots of time together! You never want to do anything when your parents let you stay over! What good is lying to them if you end up making the lie true? We’re wasting valuable shagging time, you know!”

“’S’not my fault you didn’t consider standing all day, cleaning for an hour every night, and catering to the whims of everyone who walks through the door when hatching your ingenious plan. And have you ever scooped ice cream for hours on end? It’s harder than it looks, mate,” Remus explained.

“You seem to have conveniently omitted all the free ice cream,” Sirius sulked. “Which, by the way, is hardly doing you any favors,” he added, poking a finger at Remus’ stomach.

“Hey! At least I’m moving and working while I eat…not like some great fatty I know who sits around all day eating himself into a diabetic coma,” Remus retorted, playfully pushing Sirius’ hand towards his own belly.

“Which is why,” Sirius began, grabbing Remus’ hand, “we need some exercise. A particular kind of exercise, I think. We can start off slow…you can just lay on your back while I sit on your hot and throbbing--”

“Mr. Lupin!”

Both boys jumped apart. Remus felt himself blush as he desperately tried to rearrange his legs.

“Mr. Fortescue! Er…what can I do for you?” Remus sputtered.

“You could have been behind the counter fifteen minutes ago when your shift started, for one thing. You’re lucky it’s been slow this morning,” Mr. Fortescue replied in his meanest tone, which was still quite cheerful.

“Sorry, Mr. Fortescue. It won’t happen again,” Remus said, carefully standing up.

“I’m going to go pick up a Prophet. Be a good lad and clear Mr. Black’s table when he’s done. And get him some more ice cream, if he wants it.”

“Of course, Mr. Fortescue! You know I can’t get enough of your delicious ice cream!” Sirius exclaimed.

“Well, keep distracting my employees and the special customer discount might disappear.” He playfully ruffled Sirius’ hair before walking away.

Remus sighed before picking up Sirius’ dish and walking into the shop. “I’m going to be sacked, I know it,” he muttered as he put on his apron and took his place behind the counter.

“You’re not going to be sacked, Moony,” Sirius sighed, sitting down at an inside table by the counter. “Mr. Fortescue really might be the nicest man ever. He’s not going to fire you for being a little late.”

“Yes, but someone has been making me late all bloody summer! I’m going to sacked…and then no Hogsmeade weekends next year, no Christmas presents for anyone, no rent money for a flat after graduation--”

“Hey, let’s not jump to any crazy conclusions! Rent money or no, you’re moving in with me the moment we leave Hogwarts!” Sirius exclaimed, jumping up from his seat.

“Yes, well, if I could actually do my job, we won’t have to worry about such things,” Remus scolded, though he couldn’t hide a smirk. “What time is it then?”


“First rush should be coming in soon. I’d better make sure everything is in order. You know, that enough cones are up front, the dishes are clean…”

“Gorgeous but distracting boyfriends are out of the way?”

“Exactly. Would you mind taking Fabian with you? It’s such a bother having him kneeling in front of me back here.”

“My, Remus, your astounding wit never ends, does it? All right then, I’m out,” Sirius said, leaning over the counter to give Remus a quick peck. “See you in about an hour, yeah?”

“You honestly have nothing better to do with your time than to sit around here all day and watch me serve ice cream?” Remus called as Sirius walked towards the door.

“Nothing shall keep me from my one true love!” Sirius declared. He laughed and swaggered back to the counter when he saw Remus blush. “‘M talking about the ice cream, you know. Arrogant berk.”

“Selfish git,” Remus muttered, pulling Sirius over the counter for a kiss. “And what am I? Just the middleman? The Friar Laurence for your forbidden ice cream lust?”

“And just why didn’t you work at Flourish and Blotts again?”

“Because I’d actually like to earn some money this summer, not spend it on every interesting book I come across. Speaking of earning money--”

“Right, right, I’m gone…hopefully with a double cone of cinnamon ripple?” Sirius added, puppy eyes in full effect.

Remus playfully pushed Sirius away and hastily scooped the ice cream. He thrust it at Sirius, who responded by taking a long, slow lick off the top.

“Mmmm,” he purred. “See you later.”

Remus couldn’t help but watch Sirius as he walked out into Diagon Alley. The countless servings of Fortescue’s rich ice cream certainly hadn’t affected Sirius – or, at least his arse was still perfect...and the tight t-shirt he was wearing didn’t show signs of fat anywhere on his torso…

“Right. Definitely going to be sacked,” he said softly.


Like most others, it had been a dismal day. Two teams of Pee-Wee Quidditch players had come around two o’clock, each child demanding a different and complicated dish. Snape had made his weekly appearance, which consisted of him ordering Remus to give him a free sample of all 109 flavours and not actually purchasing anything. And then there had been the after-dinner rush, which for some reason was always worse on Sundays. And of course Sirius had been there almost the whole time, laughing and shoveling free ice cream down his throat. The fact that all Remus wanted to do was leap across the counter and ravish him right there in the middle of the store did not help.

The good thing about Sundays was that Mr. Fortescue closed the shop early. Of course Remus still had to stay to clean, but it was easier than having to deal with people in need of a sugar fix. It usually didn’t take that long; all he had to do was wipe the tables and the counter, clean whatever dirty dishes were in the sink, and sweep the floor.

But not tonight. Mr. Fortescue, thinking he was doing Remus a favor, told Sirius he should help as a repayment for ten years of free ice cream. What Mr. Fortescue didn’t realise was that to Sirius, helping meant bingeing on ice cream and dripping all over the newly-cleaned floors and countertops. Remus sighed as he looked at his watch – 11:00. They should have been back at Sirius’ flat an hour ago. He should have been asleep with a book open on his chest right now. Or asleep with a very happy and sated Sirius on his chest.

Remus picked up the mop to once again tackle the floor while Sirius poked through the magically-chilled barrels, humming some insufferably cheerful tune under his breath. “Sirius, haven’t you had enough ice cream yet?” he spat. He and his back groaned in protest and he leaned down to wipe away a puddle of Orange Sorbet behind the counter.

“Never!” Sirius cried, taking a heaping spoonful of Merlin’s Magical Marshmallow. “Come on, Moony, take a break! Have some ice cream!”

“I am so bloody sick of ice cream! It’s everywhere I go! I dream about ice cream, Padfoot! I dream about ice cream, and crying children, and angry mothers and I just want to get out of here and go home!” he screamed, throwing the mop down on the floor. He turned to Sirius, who was calmly staring back.

“You should try the Lemon Meringue. It’s really quite good,” he replied, licking his fingers.

Remus whimpered in defeat and crashed onto the floor. He heard the clatter of a spoon and then felt the warm comfort of Sirius’ arms.

“I’m sorry, Moony.”

“It’s all right,” Remus replied, taking a deep breath. “I’m just so bloody exhausted. All I want to do is go home.”

“I know,” Sirius said, burying his face in Remus’ shoulder. “I’m sorry because…well, I’ve kind of been keeping you here on purpose.”

Remus turned to Sirius, who was sheepishly looking back through his dark fringe. “Pardon?”

“Well, you see…I had this brilliant idea.”

“Oh no!” Remus groaned, banging his head back on the cupboard. “I’m really not in the mood for another one of your schemes, Pads.”

“Wait, hear me out on this one! You see, I love you. And, I love ice cream. Specifically, this ice cream. So, I thought that maybe if I hung around here long enough, Fortescue might let me stay with you one night while you were cleaning up and…”

“And what?” Remus asked, his voice dangerously low.

Sirius smiled. “And I could combine my two favorite things,” he finished placing a soft kiss to Remus’ neck.

Remus tilted his head, exposing more of his neck to Sirius’ talented lips. “And I suppose this is why you’ve been hanging around here all the time, doing lewd and suggestive things with your ice cream? Driving me mad?” He smiled as he felt Sirius smirk.

“Maybe…” He ran a hand slowly over Remus’ chest. “So…what do you think?”

Remus scoffed. “Besides the fact that I would most definitely be sacked? Did you not hear my little tirade a few moments ago?”

Sirius sat up and reached for the vat a few feet away. “Oh, I most certainly did,” he replied, dragging the frozen treat towards them. “And I just told you I have two loves, you and ice cream, right?” Remus nodded as Sirius popped open the buttons on his shirt. “Well…I wouldn’t stand for it if anyone badmouthed you. Mr. Fortescue’s ice cream deserves the same treatment, don’t you think? And while I realise it was just the stress and exhaustion talking, I need to prove you wrong.”

Remus’ response was muffled by Sirius’ mouth covering his own. He couldn’t hold back a moan when Sirius slipped his tongue into his mouth, though his brain was desperately crying that this brilliant plan was actually a very, very bad idea. Ignoring the voice of reason, Remus tangled his fingers in Sirius’ hair and drew him closer.

Sirius pulled away and smiled right before Remus felt a shock of cold on his chest. He gasped and looked down at Sirius slowly spreading Spectacular Strawberry Surprise over his right nipple. Sirius sat up on his knees and dipped his hand in the barrel. Remus arched and moaned as the ice cream was spread over his entire chest, melting into his skin.

“Sirius,” he panted, watching the other boy concentrate on his work. Sirius looked up and smirked before capturing Remus’ mouth in another searing kiss. Remus whimpered as Sirius moved his mouth down his neck and then to his chest, slowly licking the melted ice cream off. His hips bucked as Sirius swirled his tongue over a nipple, grinding his clothed erection into his boyfriend’s thigh.

He watched Sirius’ head dip lower until those lips were sucking the skin above the waistband of his denims. “God Sirius…please…” he pleaded, thrusting his hips. Sirius pulled back, smirking. He quickly pulled his shirt over his head and pulled his wand out of his back pocket.

Accio ice cream!” he commanded, summoning about twenty different barrels. He smiled as he pulled over a particular flavour. “Now, now, Moony. How are you going to make amends with the ice cream if you don’t have any?”

Remus watched as Sirius dipped two fingers into the vat and brought them to his lips. He slowly licked the ice cream off his hand, his eyes never leaving his boyfriends’. “Mmmm…” he purred, taking the fingers away, “Lemon Meringue.”

“Told you it was good,” Sirius said, smiling triumphantly. “However, I don’t think it’s quite what I’m looking for…ah, here we are!” He pulled over another barrel and slowly dipped his hand in. “Ogden’s Firewhisky Flavour,” he whispered, tasting the ice cream. “Of course there’s no alcohol in…and it’s really a terrible flavour for ice cream…but there’s something…forbidden about it, don’t you think?” With his free hand, Sirius began undoing Remus trousers. “Did you ever have it when you were little?” Sirius asked, leaning over to nibble on Remus’ ear. “Did your parents ever let you have it, warning you first that you wouldn’t like it?”

Remus moaned as Sirius’ low, hoarse voice tickled his ear. He lifted his hips involuntarily as his trousers and pants were pushed down. Without thinking, his moved his hands from Sirius’ back to his hips, fumbling with Sirius’ belt and flies. Sirius groaned and bit down on Remus shoulder as their naked erections rubbed against each other.

“Did you ever have a cone of Ogden’s Firewhisky when you were a kid and then pretend you were drunk?” Sirius panted, his fingers brushing Remus’ inner thigh. “Run and around and bump into things and slur your words like that one crazy uncle always did at Christmas?”

“Can’t…can’t say that I did,” Remus said, surprised that he could still form coherent sentences. He felt Sirius smirk before their lips crashed together and a strong, calloused hand wrapped around his cock. He whimpered when Sirius abruptly pulled away and sat up, straddling Remus’ thighs.

“Probably better that you didn’t,” Sirius said absently, swirling his hand in the vat. “Like I said, it tastes like shite and is really an entirely inappropriate flavour for ice cream.”

“Then what the hell are you using it for?” asked Remus impatiently.

Sirius grinned and removed his hand. Remus winced as the cold Ogden’s Firewhisky ice cream dripped on his belly. “Because, my dear Moony, what we are about to is also entirely inappropriate.”

Remus gasped as he watched Sirius reach back and push one ice cream coated finger into himself. He bit his lower lip and moaned as Sirius added two more fingers. He couldn’t stand watching Sirius like this – eyes tightly screwed shut, mouth open, cheeks flushed, preparing himself – looking so utterly debauched and completely fuckable. Slowly, Remus snaked his hand down to his leaking cock, which was batted away before he barely touched himself.

“Don’t you fucking dare,” Sirius panted, quickly removing his hand and sticking it back into the ice cream. Once it was coated to his satisfaction, he slathered it over Remus’ erection. Remus yelped at the cold sensation, but was not about to tell Sirius to stop. In fact, he found himself arching into Sirius’ touch as he added more of the frozen dessert.

“Padfoot…please…now…need you…”

Sirius groaned in agreement. He removed his hand and quickly placed himself on Remus’ cock, filling himself completely in one swift motion. Remus howled at the combined marvel of Sirius’ hot and tight body and the freezing coldness of the ice cream. He threw his head back, not caring that it collided with the cabinets, and thrust his hips sharply.

“Moony…yes…fuck yes…” Sirius muttered, moving himself up and down Remus’ cock. “Been waiting so long…so good…so full…” His eyes were shut again, his red, moist lips parted. Remus grabbed Sirius’ hips and hoisted himself up into a sitting position. One hand strayed to the perfect arse on his lap, squeezing and lifting, while the other grabbed a handful of silky black hair. Their mouths crushed together, teeth colliding and tongues dueling.

Remus untangled his hand from Sirius’ hair and blindly reached for a barrel, not caring which kind he was taking. Sirius threw his head back and cried out as Remus spread the ice cream hurriedly over his chest. Taking only a moment to nibble at the expanse of porcelain neck displayed before him, Remus lowered his head and began lapping it up. Pleased to discover that he had inadvertently chosen Fortescue’s Famous Mocha Brownie Madness, he moaned and reached for more, eagerly licking every drop and making an absurd mental note to tell Mr. Fortescue how much better the ice cream tasted when mixed with Sirius’ sweat and salty skin.

Sirius had moved one hand into Remus’ hair, pushing it into his chest as Remus sucked the ice cream off his nipples. His other arm was behind him, palm flat against the floor, as leverage. He was sliding up and down fast, and Remus knew this delicious torture would not last much longer. Coating his hand again, Remus grabbed Sirius’ cock, already pressed between their bellies, and began pumping quickly.

“Yes…” Sirius hissed, taking as much of Remus as he could as quickly as he could, “yes…don’t stop…so fucking good…Moony…Moony…” His words breaking off with a sob, Sirius slammed himself down on Remus’ cock one last time and came spilling over Remus’ fingers.

Remus moaned as Sirius’ arse clenched around his cock and bit into his boyfriend’s shoulder as he came, the chocolate ice cream and musk tingling his taste buds. He softly laved the bite mark as he came down from his orgasm, moving his hand from Sirius’ arse to his back, supporting his now seemingly-boneless frame.

Sirius reluctantly moved himself off Remus’ deflating cock and gently pushed Remus down onto the floor, wrapping his arms around his lover’s waist and settling his head on the sticky chest beneath him. He smiled as Remus threaded his fingers through his hair and laughed quietly.

“Told y’it was a good idea, din’ I?” Sirius murmured sleepily.


Remus awoke the next morning cold and sticky with a crick in his neck, hard tile under his head, and a comfortably heavy Sirius on his chest. He blinked at the sunlight streaming in through the front wall of windows and realised as his eyes slowly adjusted that he and Sirius had fallen asleep behind the counter of Florean Fortescue’s shop. He carefully unwrapped his arm from around Sirius and looked at his watch, cursing softly as he licked his fingers and hastily cleaned the dried ice cream from the face.

“Fuck,” he whispered, his eyes growing wide. “Sirius,” he said, shaking the boy on top of him, “Sirius, damn it, wake up!”

“Wazzit? What’s going on?” Sirius said groggily, slowly pushing himself up and wiped the sleep away from his eyes. “Don’t we have time for a bit of a lie-in?” he asked, leaning over to place a small kiss on Remus shoulder.

“No we fucking don’t!” Remus cried. “Sirius, it’s half past nine! The store opens in thirty minutes! Mr. Fortescue is going to be here in fifteen to set up! What is he going to say when he comes in and sees all this?”

Sirius looked at Remus and then surveyed the mess of discarded barrels and melted ice cream. “I think you’re going to be sacked,” he said quietly, running a hand through his hair.

“Yeah…yeah, I think so,” Remus said, panic evident in his voice.

“At least you won’t be late for once,” joked Sirius. His smile disappeared when Remus glared at him.

“Fucking hell!” Remus spat. “Well…what should we do?”

Sirius looked around and stood up. “First, I think we should probably put our clothes back on,” he began, reaching for his pants and trousers. Once they were both fully dressed, Remus turned back to his boyfriend.


“Er…I think we need to toss whatever ice cream we used last night. Definitely the Ogden’s and the Mocha Brownie, I think. Not too hygienic, is it?”

Remus paused and imagined serving sex ice cream to Lucius Malfoy or Snape. He allowed a small smile to form on his lips before shaking his head. “No…no, you’re definitely right. It all has to go.”

They quickly picked up as many barrels they could and rushed them to the dumpster behind the shop. They had just come back in to quickly mop up whatever mess was left when they caught Mr. Fortescue at the door, pausing to chat with a random passer-by. From the smile on his face, he obviously hadn’t looked inside yet.

Remus gulped. “I guess you can kiss your Special Customer status good-bye,” he said shakily.

Sirius looked at his terror-stricken boyfriend and grabbed his hand. “It was worth it,” he said under his breath, watching Mr. Fortescue confusedly push open the unlocked the door. “It may not have been my most ingenious idea, but you have to admit it was still pretty damn good.”

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