Of Holidays and Conversations

Author: Lia
Rating: NC-17
Archiving: All FQF will be archived solely at this site until January 30th, 2005. After that, it's yours to do with as you will.
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. I do not own Harry Potter, its characters, or anything associated with it. I'm not making any money from this story, and I don't intend to.
Challenge & Summary: Challenge #46: James has been invited to Lily's for Christmas. It's Sirius's first Christmas at Hogwarts without his best friend. And to add insult to injury, Remus has until the end of the Holidays to tell Sirius his true feelings or else James will do it for him.
Author Notes: As always, thanks to my loveable Vi for running this thing through the ringer for me. What would I do without you? And just a thank you to everyone who participated this round. The FQF wouldn't exist without you guys. So, in short, this fic is for all of you.

~~~ denote simple time breaks in the action
*** denote a new day

"She actually asked me!"

James let out a whoop as he entered the boy's dormitory. Glancing about the room, he was strangely disappointed to see Sirius sitting alone on his bed, pouring over the map. It would have been so much better to have an audience larger than one to share this earth shattering news with, but, James reasoned, this also meant he'd be able to brag for the rest of the day without being told to sod off.

Of course, knowing the company he kept, they'd tell him to sod off anyway, but not even that could sullen his mood at the present. Muggles had some expression about floating on cloud six, but James knew he had to be on a cloud higher than that. Nine, perhaps... if there was such a thing as cloud nine.

Then again, all of his whooping and hollering would have counted towards his good mood if the sole member of the audience to whom all this was directed was even paying attention. As it was, Sirius had yet to lift his head even with the racket James was making. Growing silent and grumbling under his breath, James tossed himself onto Sirius's bed, hoping that perhaps that would pull the boy out of his state of ignorance.

"Are you even paying attention to me?" James asked with an exasperated sigh.

"Learned to ignore you fifth year," Sirius muttered out of the corner of his mouth, never raising his head from the tiny dots that moved about the page like ants moving about their daily work.

With a growl that would have been more appropriate coming from Sirius, James moved on the bed, flinging a hand out over the map, desperate to draw some sort of attention from Sirius. If he wasn't the centre of attention, James was lost.

This time, Sirius did growl and with one well practiced move, he pushed James off his bed and into a pile of arms and legs on the floor. Staring incredulously up at Sirius, James didn't move for a solid minute while he waited for the dull throbbing of his tailbone to subside. He expected some sort of muttered apology. Instead, all he saw up on the bed was Sirius chewing his lower lip while his eyes darted about the map, obviously stalking some quarry.

"What the feck was that for?" James asked rising to his feet and dusting his robes off.

"For bending the west wing and damn near tearing the third floor corridor, that's what," Sirius replied, smoothing the bent parchment but never raising his head to look at James.

"Oh, don't get your knickers in a twist," James said with a roll of his eyes, his hands resting on his hips.

Sirius tapped the map with his wand, muttering mischief managed under his breath, then refolded the map and replaced it in his messenger bag. Taking that as an invitation their 'quarrel' was over; James flopped down on Sirius's bed once again. Looking the other boy over, Sirius licked his lips and got the ever famous glint in his eye that said he was about to push James off the bed a second time.


Holding his hands up in a look of mock surrender, Sirius shifted on the bed to make enough room for one boy to lie comfortably while he sat up with his back leaning against the headboard.

"So what's so bloody important that you come in here like a... I don't know what, interrupting my spying on Snivellus and nearly tear the map?" Sirius asked, crossing his hands behind his head and stretching his legs out in front of himself.

There was a pause in which James looked like he was more interested in hearing just why Sirius was spying on Snivellus, as that explanation would undoubtedly lead to a great new prank idea. The question then became which was more important: learning about a new prank, or bragging about his news?

"Evans asked me to go home for the hols with her," James said after deciding which piece of news to go with, his entire face lighting up like a Christmas tree. Sirius's face, on the other hand, fell and the other boy became very interested in the pattern on the plain duvet cover. "Come on mate, can't you be happy for me?"

Sirius sighed, his finger tracing over imaginary patterns. "Prongs. You're leaving me alone with Wormtail and Moony," he whined, sliding down on his bed so that he was lying beside James. "We four have always spent Christmas together. And now, our last year here, you want to break tradition because a bird asks you to her place?"

Quickly, James sat up to avoid Sirius's glance. Moving as if he'd been the victim of a slowing charm, Sirius sat up, a silent question embedded in his face. James tugged at the collar of his oxford shirt, feeling suddenly uncomfortable.

"I thought you knew already. Peter's parents are taking him to Brighton for Christmas. Unless Moony has a surprise up his sleeve too, it's going to be just the two of you for Christmas."

Sirius looked horror stricken. "Don't get me wrong. I like Moony and all. Good mate, great for bumming homework off of... but his nose is always buried in some bloody book thicker than my wand. He'll spend more time in the library than with me." Sirius paused, pure panic seeping into his features. "Even on Christmas Day!"

"Well," James said, lightly patting Sirius's knee as he swung himself up into a sitting position, "I suggest you get over your aversion to the library and fast if you want any company for Christmas."

"James, you are a bloody prat. And all for a bloody bird."

"Watch it, that bird is Lily," James replied with a glare. "And if you're so upset about my going off with a bird, why don't you get one for yourself. It'll do you a world of good."


Flitting downstairs to the Common Room, James spied Remus's form spread out on the couch. He had originally missed him on his first trip through the room, no doubt due to the fact he was expecting everyone to be upstairs and waiting for his grand entrance, rather than actually doing their work as they should. Then again, James thought with a chuckle, it was a surprise he had missed Remus in the first place. The boy had appropriated an entire couch for his work -- books and papers spread everywhere. The only difference between Remus's and Sirius's work habits was that Remus was neat in his messes (as much of the oxymoron as that may sound) and Remus actually accomplished work.

James clucked his tongue in disapproval. Here it was the day before winter holidays and Remus had his nose buried in a book. Hadn't they taught the boy anything about skiving off?

Traipsing through the other students who were draped about chairs and couches, James made his way towards the once Prefect. He plopped down on the couch beside Remus, not caring if he bent or tore a piece of parchment in the process. Parchment was torn, as well as a bottle of ink spilled onto several sheets of parchment, completely ruining them. Like Sirius had only minutes before, Remus all but ignored James. The only sign he gave to acknowledging the Head Boy's presence was to right the spilled ink bottle, spelling the damage away.

"Merlin's balls, Moony, you're worse than Padfoot," James complained, shifting slightly to the side to remove the broken quill he was sitting on from under his arse.

"I expect you to pay me back for that," Remus replied, taking the broken pieces from James and looking sadly at them. "This was my favourite quill, too," he mumbled under his breath

With a sigh, Remus let the shards drop from his hand and into his bag. He'd throw them away later rather than leave a mess for the House Elves to clean up. Remus glanced into his bag one last time, worrying his lower lip. Not only was it one of the few quills he had, but blast it, Sirius had given it to him for his last birthday.

"I can't fecking believe this," James grumbled, throwing his hands up in frustration. "Here I come to tell you my Earth shattering news and you go on about some bloody quill that can be replaced for six sickles. Some mate you are."

Licking his lips, Remus turned on the couch to face James. "You're going to Lily's for holiday." James's mouth dropped open. "Yes, I know already," Remus continued, gathering up his papers, reading over a few lines of text before finishing his statement. "Lily stopped by a few moments ago to tell me. You forget that I'm friends with her too, Prongs. Dated her for a few months if I need to remind you," he added.

With a shrug of his shoulders, Remus picked up his work once again. James on the other hand hadn't closed his mouth yet. Whether it was from shock of Remus knowing his winter plans or again mentioning he had dated Lily first, Remus wasn't quite sure. The ghost of a smile began to slide across Remus's face. It wasn't often one got the upper hand when dealing with James Potter.

"Soooo..." James began, drawing the word out. Remus looked up from his work, not liking the tone of voice James had in the slightest. "This gives you the perfect opportunity," he finished, giving Remus's shoulder a slight nudge.

Remus nearly dropped his quill. "W-what do you mean?" he stuttered, praying that what his mind had jumped to wasn't the same train of thought James had.

"I'm gone; Wormtail's gone. Think about it, Moony," James said, his eyes alight. "You and Padfoot have the dorm completely to yourselves." James waggled his eyebrows suggestively at Remus and Remus had to repress the urge to throw the last quill he had directly between James's eyes.

"Are you out of your bloody mind?" Remus hissed.

"Perhaps," James replied, rising to his feet. "But think about it this way: this is our last year here. If you don't tell him now, when will you?" James paused as Remus mumbled 'never' under his breath. "And if you don't tell him over the holidays, when I get back, I will."

Remus paled slightly. The last thing he wanted was James poking his oversized nose where it didn't belong; specifically into his personal life. If anything, he could just lie and tell James that he had told Sirius and that would be that...

"And I'll ask Sirius if you told him, so don't think about lying," James added.

"Fuck," Remus swore under his breath.

James blinked, taken aback by Remus's rare show of profanity. It wasn't often they could get the other boy to swear.

"We have a deal?" James asked.

"Looks like I really don't have a choice, do I?"


The winter holidays began with a very sullen Sirius Black. For the first time in his seventeen years, he actually felt alone in Gryffindor. Thus, he contented himself with pouring over the map, watching Severus Snape's every move. It was easier now with so many students home for the holidays. But for the first time in nearly three years, tracking the greasy haired git couldn't hold his attention. Within nearly three minutes of following the Slytherin, Sirius had folded the map up and began to look for other sources of entertainment.

Taking a cue from Remus, Sirius soon found himself in the library to concentrate on his studies. Sirius wasn't a poor student; rather, he was one of the top students in Gryffindor. He just would have been better if he applied himself. If it didn't come easy to him, then Sirius didn't apply himself. Thus he got top marks in transfiguration, potions, and defence but couldn't be bothered in charms or herbology.

The library. Sirius couldn't believe he was actually spending the first day of his winter break cooped up in the musty old room, doing of all things, herbology homework. At this point, he needed anything to keep his mind off the fact that he was completely abandoned by his best mate for Christmas. And all for a bloody skirt too. Even the tag-along Peter had left him alone with the bookworm.

Who, Sirius noted with great disdain, was nowhere to be found. This was supposed to be his haunt and the bloody boy was no where in sight. Brilliant. Abso-fecking-lutely brilliant. This was shaping up to be the best Christmas of his seventeen years.

Hell, he would have been better off going back to Mother and Father and their fecking Toujours pur bullshit.

After nearly an hour in the library, Sirius decided he had about all he could take. He wasn't sure how Moony could spend hour upon hour in this place without going insane. Closing up his books with a snap, Sirius left the library to return to the dorms. Maybe Moony would be there and he could persuade him to play a prank.



Upstairs in the Gryffindor Dormitory, Remus Lupin was pacing the floor trying to figure out how the hell he was going to talk to Sirius within the next five days. There was no way he was going to let James do it; of that, he was absolutely certain. So, since James was out, that left it all up to him and brought him back to the initial problem. Somehow he'd find a way to talk to Sirius.

Somehow being the key word.

Gathering up his courage, Remus began to head downstairs to begin his search for Sirius. The boy had left at some point in the morning and Remus hadn't bothered to ask where his destination was. Searching was better, Remus decided. Searching meant more time to plan just how he was going to bring up the fact that 'yes, I am gay, Sirius oh, and by the way, I've fancied you since fifth year'.

Head bent down, Remus didn't see Sirius until it was too late. He ran right into the taller Gryffindor, unable to ignore how his head fit perfectly under Sirius's chin. That thought brought an instant blush to Remus's cheeks as he pulled away -- a blush that didn't go unnoticed by Sirius.

"You feeling alright, Moony?"

"I'm fine," Remus replied, probably a bit too quickly. "Listen, Sirius..." he began before he could even stop himself. "I have something I want to talk to you about."

"Sure, what is it?" Sirius asked, leaning against the stone stairwell leading up to the boy's dormitory.

Did he have to lean though? The thought flitted through Remus's mind before he could stop it, bringing another slight blush to his cheeks. There was something in the way Sirius leaned that made a bit of hair fall into his face in that oh so endearing way that made Remus's stomach tighten uncomfortably. Bloody hell. There was no way he could talk to him now. Not when he wanted to...

"I was wondering..." Remus shook his head slightly. He couldn't. Think, Remus, think... come up with something. "I was wondering if we could work together on potions. You know I'm pants when it comes to that class."

Sirius raised a brow, his grey eyes searching Remus's face for something. Remus bit his lower lip, forcing himself to keep eye-contact with Sirius. Breaking eye contact would have given his lie away. But being under such close scrutiny by the object of his affection made him want to confess everything right then and there. After a minute, Sirius merely shrugged his shoulders and nodded.

"Sure, whatever you want, Moony."

"Thanks, Pads," Remus replied, shortening Sirius's name without even realising it.

The shortening didn't go unnoticed by Sirius though. He nearly pressed on, questioning, but Remus had pushed by him and out the portrait hole before he could say another word. In the end, Sirius was happy for that. Remus didn't hear the note of disappointment in his voice when Remus only asked for study help. Sirius could have sworn Remus was going to ask for something else then changed his mind. Sighing to himself, and once more finding himself alone, Sirius trudged upstairs to the dorms.

Outside the Common Room, Remus leaned against one of the stone walls; his heart beating a mile a minute. At this rate, he'd never talk to Sirius... ever.

Well, one day down... four to go.


Day two of the winter holidays dawned as dreary as the first. Remus half wondered if it was a sign from above of things to come, foreshadowing just how they would be treating each other for the rest of the week. The bleakness of the dawn echoed his thoughts as he rose from the bed. He was no closer to talking to Sirius than he had been the night before and in the back of his mind, James's threat continued to haunt him.

Four more days. That's all he had left before James would return, and then it would all be over.

With a sigh, Remus dressed quietly, taking care not to wake Sirius. Of course, after sharing a room with the boy for six years, Remus knew Sirius could sleep through a thunderstorm, tornado, and a tsunami; all three occurring simultaneously. Why did he have to worry about silence? Sirius stayed in bed and Remus slipped downstairs to breakfast. Avoidance was a good thing at this point, but Remus knew his tactic couldn't last forever.

It did, however, last for the rest of the day. Avoiding Sirius wasn't that hard to accomplish: all he had to do was retreat to the back corner of the library. If there was one place Sirius wouldn't venture, it was the library. Thus, the musty stacks were his sanctuary. There was one point during the day, as Remus chewed on his lower lip trying to think of the ninth use for aconite that Remus could have sworn he saw the back of Sirius's head as he poked around a corner. Sinking lower in his seat and pulling a book up to obscure his face, Remus prayed it wasn't Sirius in the first place and if it was... well... that Sirius would just go on his merry way and leave him alone.

Somehow, Remus's wish was granted. Never to know which of the two it was, Remus raised himself up in his seat and returned to his work. Remus, you can't keep going on like this. Talk to him.

There was no way around it. He'd just have to... bite the bullet as the expression went and get it over with. Gathering up his books, Remus left the library and slowly retreated towards the Gryffindor Common Room. Slower and slower he walked, feeling like lead weights had been strapped to his shoes. Corridors leading to destinations other than the Gryffindor Tower began to look like Heaven. But contrary to popular opinion, Heaven wasn't in England, nor was it in Scotland, and Remus was on his way to his doom.

A muttered password under his breath, and Remus slipped into the Common Room. The empty room gave him the false hope that Sirius was out chasing some new skirt and he could continue avoiding him for another hour or two. Remus was surprised at the brief wave of jealousy that accompanied the thought of Sirius chasing someone new. Someone that wasn't... him.

"Don't be a fool, Remus," he muttered under his breath as he climbed the stairs to the boy's dormitory, entering the room a moment later. "There's nothing to be jealous of. After all he wou--"

For once in his life, words failed the werewolf as he stood in the doorway looking at a very nude and very wet Sirius Black. Ever since fifth year when Remus had begun to fancy Sirius, Remus had taken great pains to avoid seeing Sirius nude. Being made a Prefect was a godsend: he could shower in peace without ever having to shower next to Sirius... imagining water sliding over that perfect arse...

Stop it Remus before you get a hard-on...

But this... this was too much. An absolute perfect display of pure masculinity laid out before his eyes... and Remus needed to stop following the trail each water droplet took as it rolled down his chest and hips and neck... and oh gods...

Too late...

And wishing it was his tongue that was tracing the line down the centre of his chest and lower and lower... just past his navel where a dark dusting of hair began leading lower to a darker nesting of curls...

Moony get a grip. Now.

Remus knew just where his gaze were resting and he quickly brought his amber eyes back up to Sirius's face, a dark blush coming to his cheeks. In true Sirius fashion, the boy simply licked his lips as he bent down to pick up a towel. Don't-look-at-the-arse-don't-look-at-the-arse Remus chanted in the back of his mind.

"Moony. You look like a blushing school girl. First you come in here muttering about jealousy, and yes, before you argue about it, I did hear you. You're not the only one with above average hearing." Sirius ran the towel over his arms, doing nothing to cover up his nudity otherwise. "And now you're blushing," he continued, drying off his chest, "not to mention how you've been avoiding me all day and were just staring at my bits." He cocked a brow, securing the towel around his waist, though just low enough to show the curve of hipbone. "Fancy a go then?"

If ever there was an opening; that was it. Yet, given the opening and Remus found himself dumbstruck, jaw hanging open. Remus couldn't speak what he wanted and when words finally did come to his lips, they weren't the words he wanted to speak.

"No," he replied, his voice a few octaves lower than usual. "I came to ask for potions help. And I wasn't avoiding you," Remus lied easily, his voice beginning to return to its normal timbre, "I was in the library all day. If you needed me that badly, you could have braved the library."

Sirius walked away to get a pair of trousers, but Remus could swear he heard Sirius mutter "I did" under his breath.

"Alright, what do you need help with?" Sirius asked, after he slipped his trousers on, still not turning around to face Remus yet.

If Remus thought a completely nude Sirius was dangerous, nothing could compare to this. Beads of water fell from his still wet hair and ran along every plane of his back. An oxford shirt usually hid how low Sirius's trousers always rode but now, there was nothing to hide the curve of the small of his back. When he did turn back around, that hipbone that had shone through the towel was still visible above the waistband of Sirius's trousers as if to taunt Remus.

Sirius flopped onto his bed, sending a small spray of water flying from his hair. Remus couldn't help but think of a dog shaking out his fur and didn't bother to hide the smile. If Sirius saw it, he didn't say anything. Pointing to a spot on his bed, Sirius moved over to make room for Remus. Remus took his bag with him, pulling out his potions work as he went. At least he'd get work done while going through with this charade.

As soon as he sat down in the spot Sirius had indicated, Remus was hit with a whiff of Sirius's uniquely spicy scent. If Remus could make it through the rest of the night without jumping him, it would be a bloody miracle.

The majority of the night passed without incident. Remus managed to control himself and Sirius... well, Sirius was blissfully unaware of Remus's strange behaviour.

"Remus? What's it like to kiss another guy?"

Dead silence filled the room as Remus desperately searched for a way to avoid answering the question.

"W-w-what makes you t-think I k-know anything about t-that?" Remus asked in response, barely managing to keep his voice from shaking.

If Sirius either bought the lie or didn't believe it, he didn't show either of the two reactions. Instead, he played with a quill in his hands, not caring about the random dots of ink that appeared on his fingertips. Remus watched him roll the quill about, more afraid to speak thank anything.

"I didn't mean anything by it," Sirius mumbled. "I jus... I can trust you, Moony." There was a long pause in which neither boy said anything. "Godric. I don't know why I'm babbling on like this. Christmas is in two days and I should be snogging some bird under the mistletoe... but..."

Sirius looked at Remus helplessly and for the first time their eyes met. The self-possessed boy was gone and in his place was a lost young boy. Remus had seen this look in Sirius's eyes once before: the summer Sirius had run away from the Blacks and didn't know what he was going to do with his life now that he had turned his back on everything. Remus held Sirius's gaze for a moment longer, but when he didn't speak, Sirius lowered his eyes back to his ink-stained fingers. Closing his eyes, Remus took the chance and finally spoke.

"But it didn't feel right," Remus whispered.

Sirius's head snapped up. "How did you...?"

"Two summers ago," Remus replied, folding his hands in his lap. The intertwined fingers gave Remus something to look at; this wasn't something he trusted himself to look at Sirius while he spoke. "His name isn't important; not now anyway..." Remus finally risked a glance at Sirius, who was staring at him slack-jawed by this point. "Guess I do know what it's like to kiss a man..." Remus's voice began to grow in intensity as he spoke, "and fuck one... and be fucked..." He paused, seeing the shocked look on Sirius's face. His last words were whispered in stark contrast to the confidence he had only moments before. "And about anything else you can think of..."

"O-only him?" Sirius asked.

Remus shook his head from side to side. "No, but I'm not naming so don't ask. I've never asked the names of your girlfriends, do me the same consideration."

Sirius drew back as if he'd been slapped. Rarely did Remus take a stern tone with any of them, least of all him. Who would have thought Remus to have that much... Sirius paused in his train of thought. Deep down, he hated it. Hated that thought, irrational thought it was, that Remus had other partners. He himself had other birds, and... well, Remus didn't know about those and he wasn't about to mention those now. But if he could have other partners, why couldn't Remus have other blokes?

Because I wanted to be his... Sirius thought. His only...

"I'd appreciate it if you kept this between us," Remus said, drawing Sirius from his thoughts. "Being a werewolf is bad enough." Remus moved to rise from the bed but was stopped by Sirius's hand on his shoulder.

"Kiss me."


"I need to know for sure about myself," Sirius said, moving his hand to Remus's cheek, trying not to smile at the way Remus automatically leaned into his hand. "Maybe this is why James left us alone over the hols... and Wormtail too... so... so I could..."

By the end, Sirius was grasping at straws, looking for anything that would make Remus stay and he knew it. Remus hesitated momentarily before he finally did pull away, standing up once and for all.

What are you doing, Remus? he chided himself, Sirius, who you've wanted for so long wants you to kiss him... and now you're pulling away.

"No, Sirius. I'm not going to be your tool to find out if you're gay or not. You're not going to use me," Remus said, backing away from Sirius's hand. "Not this time."

"I've never used you! Please, Remus!" Sirius begged, hoping the lack of using 'Moony' might soften Remus.

It killed Remus to say it. "No, Padfoot."

"There's someone else, isn't there?"

Remus stopped halfway across the room. He closed his eyes and walked the rest of the way by feel alone. Damn him. Damn him damn him damn him. Why did Sirius have to know him better than anyone else? Of course, that someone else was Sirius himself, but how could he explain to Sirius that the reason he couldn't kiss Sirius was because he was Sirius? Hell, it didn't make much sense even when Remus thought about it himself.

"Yes," Remus whispered, resting his hand on what he knew to be James's wardrobe. "Though we're not together at the present."

"Simply someone you fancy?" Remus nodded weakly in response and Sirius pushed on with his questioning. "Who?"

Who? Two simple words would free him from his torment. Remus opened his eyes and looked back at Sirius, knowing whose name he should speak. Over and over Sirius's name chanted in his head until they formed a mantra. And yet, when his mouth opened, his lips couldn't form the name that hovered in the forefront of his mind.

"Gideon Prewitt"


When Remus awoke early the next morning, the dormitory was already deserted. He rolled over to glance at the clock on his nightstand. Eight AM, Christmas Eve, and Sirius had already left the dorm. So this was what it felt like to be abandoned by one's best mate early in the morning. Though, to be perfectly honest, Remus couldn't remember a day Sirius had risen before anyone else without some sort of prodding.

A heavy sigh left his lips as he returned to his position on his back, staring up at the panelled ceiling. What did he do to deserve this, other than lie about Gideon when Sirius opened his heart to him last night? Remus winced. If the situation had been reversed and Remus had been the one to come out first and Sirius had treated him like he had... how would Remus have acted?

Merlin, I'm acting like Sirius would have. How's that for a role reversal?

Remus rose quickly from his bed, determined to set things right and apologise.

As it was, Sirius Black didn't speak more than two words to Remus for the remainder of the day.


The silence between the two Gryffindors lasted until that evening. It was as if there was a silent barrier put up around Sirius that Remus was unable to break down no matter what he tried. And knowing Sirius as he did, Remus wouldn't doubt Sirius actually did something of the sort.

Without a word to his dorm mate, Remus crawled into bed, shutting the curtains around himself. It wouldn't have made any difference if Remus left them open; with the way Sirius was acting, the boy's attitude was as good as any curtains. Still, the darkness and privacy provided by the curtains was more than welcome.

Privacy being the key word.

It wasn't five minutes later that Sirius's head poked through the curtain.


"Oh, so now you're talking to me?" Remus snapped.

"Appears so. I'll leave if you'd prefer."

The edge to Sirius's voice was unmistakable, but something else lurked there as well. Desperation perhaps? That alone kept Remus from turning Sirius away as much as he would have liked to.

"Stay. What is it, Pads?" Remus asked, finally looking at Sirius but making no motion for him to come inside the small sanctuary.

Sirius drew in a deep breath. "I still don't know... and if you won't kiss me, will you at least let me bunk with you?" Sirius pushed on when Remus began to protest. "Please? You used to climb into my bed all the time when you had bad dreams."

Remus sighed. "That was different. I wasn't using a friend to determine my sexuality."

Sirius already had a fair idea just what his sexuality was but he wasn't about to voice it; that was a last resort card.

"Please, Remus?" Sirius almost whined, batting his eyelashes. "I won't take advantage of you."

The combined look in Sirius's eye along with the pleading note in his voice made Remus give in at last. He hated the fact that he could never resist Sirius anything. Perhaps one day he'd be able to tell Sirius no, but that wasn't tonight. Or maybe, the thought came in the back corner of his mind; he wanted one night beside Sirius even if it was under false pretences. No matter what it was, Remus found himself sliding over in the narrow bed to make room for Sirius.

"Take advantage of me? Pah!" Remus said with a laugh, shifting to lie comfortably beside Sirius. He made sure he wasn't touching the animagus unnecessarily which was fairly impossible given the size of the bed. "You wouldn't even know where to begin [comma] Mr 'What's it Like to Kiss Men?'."

Smiling to himself, Sirius waited until he was sure Remus was asleep before he spoke again.

"Don't be so sure about that."


When Christmas morning dawned, Remus was half afraid to open his eyes for fear of what he would find. The night before he had had the most wonderful dream that Sirius had come to him and together they had lain down to sleep. It was too nice of a dream to ruin by opening his eyes.

"Morning, Moony."

His dream was complete with sound. How wonderful.

"I said, 'Morning, Moony'."

Mumbled words against his neck. The breath and light rub of lips and the slight rub of stubble certainly felt real enough, but Remus knew it had to still be a dream. Amazing how real the details of a dream could be when you wanted them to be real.

"Open your eyes, Moony."

Remus shook his head. "No. I like my dream just as it is, thank you very much. I have you in my arms and I want to keep it that way."

"Open your eyes and get the real thing."

Surprise took him and Remus opened his eyes to see the complete manifestation of his dream in reality. He blinked several times as if he didn't quite believe what he was seeing before him. At Remus's silence, Sirius pulled himself up slightly, barely brushing his lips across Remus's. Remus's jaw dropped open and Sirius simply smiled.

"Maybe I wasn't completely honest with you last night," Sirius mumbled softly, running a hand through Remus's hair. "I don't think you should have called me Mr 'What it's Like to Kiss Men?'. I already know... that and how did you say it the other day...?"

"About anything else you can think of..." Remus whispered, afraid to contemplate just where this was going.

"That's it."

With a single finger, Sirius placed his index finger under Remus's chin and eased his jaw closed, turning his hand just slightly to run his thumb over Remus's lips rather than kiss him as he would have liked to. Remus continued to stare at Sirius, unable to speak beyond incoherent stutters.

"Aren't you going to say anything?" Sirius asked, the hand that was in Remus's hair leaving the tawny strands for a moment to toy with the buttons of his nightshirt while his the thumb of his other hand continued to rub over his lips.

Lowering his defences at long last, Remus slipped his arms around Sirius's neck, pulling the boy down for a kiss. Their mouths stopped inches apart, giving Sirius time to move his hand.

"I was lying about Gideon," Remus said sheepishly.

Sirius's thumb traced over Remus's cheekbone. "I know," he replied before he lowered his lips to Remus's.

In the back of his mind, Remus questioned why this was happening. Perhaps this was some Christmas God who deigned he should be happy for one night (or morning as the case may be, Remus thought with one eye trained on the window to his right) had hit Sirius with a confundus charm and that was why the raven-haired boy was currently in his bed snogging him senseless. Yet after seeing the look in Sirius's eyes and feeling Sirius's hands on his skin as he lifted his pyjama top just enough to trail his fingers over the skin of his stomach, Remus knew this wasn't the case. There was no look of revulsion in Sirius's eyes as he pushed Remus's shirt up, causing the nearly thread-bare material to ride higher across his chest. The further up the shirt rose, the more uncomfortable Remus became, even though he was hard pressed to say anything for fear of alerting Sirius to what he was doing and consequently making him flee. At last, Remus finally gave in to comfort.

"This would be a lot more comfortable if you'd remove my shirt first."

"Have to stop kissing you first," Sirius mumbled against the column of Remus's neck.

Though he complained, Sirius still complied to Remus's request and removed the offending article of clothing. Now without a shirt, a bare-chested Remus gave Sirius a whole new area to explore and devour. His mouth descended on a nipple, his tongue teasing the bud while Remus bucked and writhed beneath him, making these soft whimpers that Sirius had never heard come from Remus's mouth before. Without removing his mouth from the nipple, Sirius looked up at Remus, somehow managing to smile at the same time. When he tugged gently with his teeth, Sirius found that he could get Remus to not only whimper, but to moan softly. That one single soft moan sent a jolt of electricity down Sirius's spine and centred right in his groin. Sirius resolved then and there that he would do whatever necessary to make Remus moan as frequently as possible.

Sirius stopped his ministrations just long enough to sit up and untie his pyjama bottoms. His hands paused at the waistband, not progressing to push them down and over his hips.

"Last chance to back out."

In one quick movement, Remus had sat up, pulled the bottoms out of Sirius's hands, down over his hips and left them to pool around his knees where Sirius knelt. As quickly as he had sat up, Remus resumed his reclining position on the bed, looking up at Sirius.

"May I remind you that I -- A, was trying to figure out a way to tell you I've fancied you for the whole of the holidays and -- B, am no blushing virgin?" Remus pointed out, ticking off each point on his fingers.

Sirius chuckled, moving awkwardly to kick the pyjamas off. "Alright, you've made your point."

Now Remus had seen Sirius completely nude not two days ago, but somehow this was different. This time, he felt no shame or embarrassment as his eyes roamed over every inch of Sirius's body. There was a slight blush to his cheeks when his eyes came to rest on Sirius's cock, standing out amidst a nest of dark curls. In spite of his attempt at being the 'experienced and cool' one, he had only had a few partners in the past and this was Sirius.

Just the thought made Remus's mouth go dry. Bloody hell, he was about to have sex with Sirius Black: the obsession of his dreams. All that was left between him and complete nudity was his own pair of bottoms. Remus ignored the brief shake of his hands as he pushed the loose elastic down his hips, kicking the last article of clothing away. And now, he was completely nude to Sirius.

Sirius devoured him with his eyes first and his hands soon followed, leaving no inch of skin left unexplored. Cautiously, giving Remus chance to pull away, Sirius began to taste, mapping every line with his tongue. Instead of being pushed away, Sirius felt himself being pulled in closer by Remus, the boy's hands guiding him downward.

When his face was nuzzling Remus's hip, Sirius paused. Perhaps Sirius hadn't been entirely truthful. He had kissed men before. He had had sex with men before. This however, was uncharted territory. Again Sirius looked up at Remus, a slightly sheepish expression on his face.

"I'm not sure... what I mean is, I want to but I never..."

Remus chuckled, his hand cupping Sirius's chin gently. "Follow your instincts. It's not as bad as you think." He paused, a dark blush coming to his cheeks. "And you don't have to swallow if you don't want to."

It was Sirius who let out a bark of a laugh this time, a grin spreading across his face. His eyes flicked to Remus's cock and he licked his lips in anticipation and a slight bit of trepidation. He simply didn't want to fuck up (forgive the pun) anything tonight.

His worries seemed to fly out the window as his lips encircled Remus's cock for the first time. This wasn't uncomfortable or unwelcome in the slightest. In fact, Sirius found he rather liked the way Remus moved beneath him, soft moans and pants the only sounds in the room. Moving his mouth along Remus's cock wasn't too 'exciting' and Sirius wanted more. He began to do what Remus said: whatever felt natural. His hands ran over Remus's thighs, fingertips drawing light patterns over the sensitive skin of his inner thigh. Lightly he drew his fingers higher to caress Remus's balls. Beneath him, Remus let out a low moan. In the back of his mind, Sirius wondered what sort of sounds Remus would make if he would take those into his mouth as well.

When he did, Sirius's world contracted to just the two of them. Remus's hands tightened in his hair and his hips jerked wildly. Steadying his hips with a gentle hand, Sirius moved his lips back to Remus's cock, beginning to suck once again, wanting to draw Remus's orgasm forth. He could hear Remus panting 'so close so close' under his breath as a repeated mantra. Sirius knew he didn't have to swallow, but he wanted to. He wanted every taste and every essence of Remus.

There was no warning. Just something hot and bitter hitting the back of his throat and Sirius had no choice but to swallow. If it wasn't for his prior decision to swallow, Sirius was sure he would have choked. As it was, he coughed when Remus finished, not quite used to the bitter taste.

"I should have--" Remus began.

"It's alright," Sirius interrupted. "Don't worry about it. Really."

Sirius slid up Remus's body, lightly kissing the other boy. Remus's tongue snaked out, catching a taste of himself on Sirius's lips. He took the initiative, sucking Sirius's lower lip into his mouth, wanting even more of a taste than he was given.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, Sirius's jaw dropped. If he were to ever say that silent, reserved Remus was making all the moves right now, Sirius knew everyone would laugh at him. As it was, here Remus was initiating these open-mouthed kisses; telling him how to give a blow-job... Sirius just shook his head. No one would ever believe it.

"What are you thinking about?" Remus asked, his hand lightly caressing Sirius's cheek.

Sirius shook his head. "Just... thinking," Sirius replied.

"About what?" Remus prodded, his thumb beginning to draw small circles on Sirius's cheeks.

"That I probably should have told you the other night that I've slept with both men and women before. But it doesn't matter now and that's all water under the bridge." Sirius looked into Remus's eyes. "I want to be with you... here and now if you'll have me."

Without a word, Remus rolled over onto his side, fishing in his bedside drawer for something. The way a slip of pink tongue peeked out of the corner of his mouth was endearing and Sirius couldn't help but smile as he watched him. Not but a moment later did Remus sit back up, something enclosed in his hand and whatever that something was was pressed into Sirius's hand.

"There's your answer."

Sirius opened his hand to find a small jar of oil in his hand. A smile slid across his face and he leaned forward to kiss Remus as he opened the jar with one hand. While he may have been unsure of himself earlier, this was an area he was very sure of himself. Nudging Remus's legs apart just slightly, Sirius dipped his fingers into the jar, letting his body heat warm the oil before he slipped his fingers inside Remus. Kissing the other boy softly, Sirius slid the first finger inside.

There was something about this that felt so different than his other partners. A second finger, carefully stretching and preparing, pushing in just far enough to hit just there... and yes he hit that spot. Sirius couldn't help but grin knowing when his finger hit Remus's prostate, hearing Remus moan.

"Sirius, please."

Later on, Sirius was sure there would be time for teasing and making Remus beg, but this wasn't this time. He wanted... this. Just them. Dipping his hand into the oil once more, Sirius quickly slicked up his cock while Remus used a pillow to raise his hips up to give Sirius a better angle.

"Are you su--?" Sirius began to ask but cut off when he saw the look in Remus's eyes.

He'd never need to ask again.

Leaning down to kiss Remus somewhat messily, he carefully pushed into Remus, letting his breath out in a low hiss. It wasn't until he was fully sheathed inside him that Sirius finally let out his breath completely.

Remus looked up at Sirius as if seeing him for the first time. "You're... you're inside me," he whispered.

"Yes, I am," Sirius whispered in reply. "And plan on doing this a lot more in the near future too."

Sirius began to build up a slow rhythm that didn't stay slow for very long for Remus began to meet each of his thrusts, pushing him faster and faster. Their pace became almost frantic as Remus's nails scored Sirius's back, leaving tiny red lines along its length. Sirius didn't notice, but rather kissed any and every inch of skin he could kiss as he continued to thrust, his pace as fast as he could manage; all but slamming into Remus. And the entire time Remus met him thrust for thrust.

Reaching between them, Sirius wrapped a hand around Remus's cock. He wanted to bring Remus to climax with him. This time was for them both; it wasn't for one's pleasure. It wasn't long before Remus came, shooting hot spurts of semen over Sirius stomach. The act was enough to drive Sirius over the edge and he came not long after, driving as far into Remus as he could. Remus's dull nails dug into Sirius's back but Sirius was completely unaware of the fleeting instant of pain.

He was only aware of the simple fact that he had just made love to his best mate.

Afterwards, the necessary cleaning spells had been whispered, and the two new lovers lay curled around each other; their scents and souls forever intermingled. With a smile, Remus turned his head to the side to lightly kiss Sirius on the lips. .


"Mhmm?" Sirius asked, sleepily.

"Happy Christmas."


The biggest regret they had was that most of the holidays had been spent avoiding each other; especially since they had a dormitory all to themselves. But somehow they managed to get by with what time they did have: neither Gryffindor left the comfort of Remus's bed for the remainder of the winter holidays.

As luck would have it, the day the students returned from holiday had been after a night when they didn't pull the bed curtains. They had fallen asleep where they fell into bed, a tangle of legs and arms; and completely nude.

James was the first to see them, followed shortly by Peter. The pudgy boy's mouth hung open slightly as he stared at the sight in front of him.

"Well, I think someone had a good Christmas," Peter finally managed to squeak out.

"Yeah," James grumbled, "but there goes sleeping for the next six months."

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