One down, four thousand and eighty-four to go.

Author: Calico Jynx
Rating: NC-17
Archiving: All FQF will be archived solely at this site until August 31st, 2007. After that, it's yours to do with as you will.
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. I do not own Harry Potter, its characters, or anything associated with it. I'm not making any money from this story, and I don't intend to.
Challenge & Summary: Challenge FM 15: An explanation for why you never say "If you can drink me under the table, you can do whatever you want to with my body" before a drinking competition. It could range from minor confessions of love to anything within reason. Unestablished romantic relationship between Sirius and Remus develops potential after a bet that one of them won, they think.
Word Count: 6782
Author's Notes: I wouldn’t have managed to write this (or indeed function in a socially acceptable manner most days of the week) without , and loves you all to the bottom of her urchin, faerie heart
Warnings:> Rimming, mild asphyxiation, graphic sex.

The Pub

The fourth time Sirius stole a chip from Remus’ plate when he thought he wasn’t looking and made an Oscar winning performance of licking tomato sauce off his fingers, Remus ordered another basket, with extra sauce.

“Ta, Moony.” Sirius grinned triumphantly.

Sirius’ smile made his toes curl and his nose hairs tingle but he ignored it and opted for stating the obvious. “You could have ordered your own, y’know.”

“Nah, tastes better when you do it.”

“That can’t possibly be true.” Nasty, flirtatious, sexy, bastard, is what he was.

James rolled his eyes. “Ladies please, I am trying to learn sport.” He pointed at the television.

“Maybe you should learn English first.” Remus turned his attention back to his – now lukewarm – meal and pointedly ignored the beatific smile Sirius turned on the barmaid when she put his chips in front of him.

“What are we watching anyway? Porn?” Sirius bit a chip in half and, judging by the flapping, they were rather warm.

“Rugby!” Peter’s answer was accompanied by a spray of peanuts, which he’d unfortunately neglected to finish before speaking. “How can you have been sitting there all this time and not know what we’re watching?”

“Thirty guyth in thorts chathing each other, lookth like porn?” Sirius shrugged and scowled at Peter while hanging his burnt tongue out his mouth, fanning it with a napkin. Remus had about a dozen better ideas for soothing Sirius’ tongue.

“Do you even know what teams those are?”

“No, but I like the red guys. Or rather, I’d like an orgy with the back four.”

“Thanks, I really didn’t need to know that.” Peter turned slightly green but it might have been the dodgy strip club lighting.

Remus however was more than happy to store that particular revelation away for future wank material, filing it under Sirius, orgy, strip club in that order, interestingly, there was a similar fantasy already there.

“Anyone want another drink?” Sirius ignored Peter’s reaction and stood up, patting himself down for his wallet. Remus was certain his wallet wasn’t down the front of his jeans, but he patted anyway and it did little to dispel the orgy thoughts.

“Cheers, mate, same again all round.”

“You know what his problem is?” James pointed after Sirius.

“He’s insane?”

James considered that for a second or two, but waved it off. “Apart from that. He needs a shag. We should find him a nice girl.”

Peter spat a mouthful of lager over the table. That was rapidly becoming a disgusting habit; maybe he’d cough up a body part next. Also, had James somehow missed the last eight months of Sirius’ life? “Umm, Prongs, you do realise he’s as bent as a three pound note?”

“What makes you say that?” James wrinkled his nose and if he wasn’t careful his glasses were going to fall off.

“His last three boyfriends.” Thankfully Peter had found a hankie and wiped his chin, it was starting to put Remus off his food. “He was more interested in what the Welsh hooker and the scrum-half were going to get up to in the showers after the game than, y’know, the game.”

James stroked his chin. “Y’know, I really thought he’d have grown out of that by now.”

“You also thought I’d grow out of being a werewolf for about two years.”

“That’s different.”

“It’s really not.”

James was silent for all of three seconds. “He just hasn’t found the right girl yet.”

“Who?” enquired Sirius, setting down four glasses of what Remus hoped wasn’t Talisker. If he got a taste for that this early in the day he’d be flat on his back by half past six. “James is under the misguided impression you’re going through a phase.”

“A phase of what?”

“A phase of liking cock.”

Peter spluttered – any more saliva on the table and they’d need a cloth – James’ glasses fell on the floor, Sirius tossed back his whisky in one gulp and lifted Remus’ pint, finishing most of that, too, and Remus scoffed another chip.

“I’ll say this once more, for the terminally in denial.” Sirius lifted an eyebrow in James’ direction. “It is not a phase, a disease, or an affliction, it’s a lifestyle choice, and frankly, Potter, you better get used to it.”

James grumbled under his breath about how Sirius would do anything to annoy his parents until Sirius asked if he was going to drink his whisky while reaching for it. James slapped his hand, called him a shirtlifter and the tension vanished.

Peter ambled off to buy another round and James went to the loo, telling Sirius not to bother following him to look at his cock. Sirius yelled after him that he’d already seen it and it was nothing to OWL home about and James stuck two fingers up at him.

“He’s such a wanker.” Sirius rested his hand rather comfortably on Remus’ thigh. Remus looked down and then up into Sirius eyes, which were sparkling with mischief. It was a familiar look. “What are you playing at?”

“I’m not playing. You don’t care, that I’m gay, do you?”

“No, I don’t care at all.” Remus wondered where this was going, they’d been close to ‘something’ a few times, usually after a lot of alcohol and Sirius rarely seemed interested in Remus when he was sober. He was mostly sober now though and Remus was curious.

“Thought not.”

“What I will care about is if you flirt with me all night and then go home with some random bloke.”

“Would I do that?”

“Hmpf.” Would he do it again was rather more accurate.

“Tell you what-” Sirius leaned in and whispered in Remus ear, “If you can drink me under the table, you can do whatever you want to with my body.”

“Why would you make a bet like that when you know you’re going to lose?”

“Maybe I want to lose?”

Remus gave Sirius one of his piercing glares. “Why now, what’s different this time?” Frankly, Remus didn’t see how he could lose, but Sirius had a bad habit of not ever following up on his outrageous flirting.

“D’you have to make it complicated?”

“Umm, I’m not? That would be you.”

Peter returned and Sirius squeezed Remus’ thigh before letting go. Fuck, it was only five o’clock. He was in for a long night.

Sirius lit up a cigarette and offered the packet around. Peter screwed up his nose. “Must you smoke?”

“No.” Sirius grinned widely and blew the smoke in Peter’s face. “Back to mine after this one, chaps?”

“Have you tided it anytime this year?” The last time they’d been in Sirius flat it’d looked like the aftermath of a Death Eater raid.

“How could you say such a thing, I am crushed, it’s MAY!”

“I am aware of this, the question stands.”

“Pfhhht, of course I have, why, only last week I took the rubbish out instead of Incendioing it.”

Remus dropped his fork. Sirius picked it up and licked it before handing it back.

“What are you-”?

“Making sure there’s no fluff on it.”

“With your mouth?”

Sirius grinned and Remus groaned inwardly as his stomach twisted into knots, he could NOT be held responsible for his actions if Sirius kept this up.


The traipse back to Sirius flat was fairly uneventful. Peter fed a stray dog crisps and it tried to follow them, only running off after Remus growled at it, but that was the highlight of the journey.

Surprisingly, the flat was actually quite shiny in the tidy department.

“I’m impressed.” Remus looked around. “You really did spring clean.”

“And Andromeda was over yesterday.”

“Ah, well, that explains it then.”

Peter and James had arrived first and were engaged in a semi-heated finger pointing discussion, semi-heated because James was giving instructions and Peter was nodding.

“Right chaps, Peter and I’ll be back soon. He’s got a change of clothes stashed at mine for occasions such as this.”

“Well don’t get distracted shagging yer bird, remember what happened last time.”

“Touché, Padfoot. An hour at the most, bet you ten galleons.”

Sirius checked his watch. “You’re on.”

Sirius turned on Remus as soon as the others had Apparated. “You having a shower or anything?”

“I think I might, if that’s all right with you?”

“Of course it is. I’ll just have a bit of a nap, then.”

“That’s what you get for drinking in the afternoon.”

“You were drinking, too!”

“I’m not the one needs a nap.” No, he was the one who needed a wank if he was gong to stand any chance of making it through the next few hours.

Sirius groaned and covered his eyes with his forearm. “Hurry up, eh?”


Remus was still wet when he returned with something marginally bigger than a tea towel wrapped around his waist. It was the only thing he could find, which was strange as Sirius usually had a pile of fluffy bath towels - surely they weren’t all dirty at once?

Sirius looked like he was asleep, which is to say he was doing a great job of pretending that would have fooled most other people. He was, however following Remus’ every move from under his eyelashes as anyone who had spent a reasonable amount of time Sirius-watching would know.

Remus opened the wardrobe and caught sight of Sirius in the mirror sitting up on one elbow.

Sirius yawned, and Remus thought about licking his teeth. He’d do that later, definitely. “Wear my black jeans.”

“Narrow it down some for me? Which ones?”

“The tight ones, they look good on you. Underwear’s in the top drawer, help yourself, or, y’know, don’t, might spoil the line of the jeans.” Sirius was starting to sound agitated, which, as far as Remus was concerned, was a point for him.

“We can’t have that.” Remus had his back to Sirius and his head in the wardrobe. “Are you going for a shower? James’ll be back soon.” Two could play Sirius’ game and the shadow of a plan began to form in Remus’ mind.


Showering sounded grand, not least because if he stayed in the room with Remus much longer he’d be overtaken by the desire to bite his nipples. Watching Remus change was tempting to the point of mouth-watering, but if he stayed it could get embarrassing and turn into actual drooling and he wasn’t drunk enough to embarrass himself yet. “Yeah, back soon, eh?” He left Remus in the cupboard, which was all different colours of amusing.

The water hit his chest, so cold it hurt. He thought briefly about wanking, but wanking over Remus for the four hundred and forty-seventh time this year (May) seemed almost counter-productive on the night he might actually be having sex with Remus. So he stuck with the cold.

Ten minutes later he was back in the bedroom, shivering uncontrollably. Remus was lying on the bed with his arms folded behind his head. He’d left the top button undone and the jeans sat so low, Sirius’ could see the diagonal slants of his hipbones and trail of darker hair that disappeared under his waist band.

Sirius started to think that the ten minutes freezing his balls off had been an exercise in utter futility. “You know what you’re doing to me, don’t you?”

Remus lay there, smirking. “Hmm, what’s that?”

“You’re a complete bastard, care to fuck me now and put me out of my misery?”

“Now, now. That’s against the rules, I have to drink you under the table first.”

Sirius dropped the towel and crawled onto the bed. “C’mon, please?” He was close to making a tit of himself, fuck it.

Remus opened one eye. “I suppose you’ll be unbearable all evening if I don’t take the edge off.”

Sirius nodded. “Yep. I’ll be absolute murder, won’t be able to keep my hands off you, you definitely shouldn’t risk it.” He was lying on Remus chest by the time he’d finished and while he’d been there before, there were a lot more tongues, lips and teeth involved this time.

Sirius sighed in relief when Remus rolled him over and closed his fingers around his cock.

“Aww, Is that it?”

“S'not funny, Moony, cold shower!”

Sirius was less than relieved a moment later when he heard an Apparition crack from the front room, and someone who was unmistakably James yelling, “Yoo-HOO! We’re baaaack.”

Sirius groaned, and not in a good way.

Remus snickered before shouting back. “Getting changed, be right through.”

“Arse! Talk about rotten timing.”

“Oh, I dunno, we have a few minutes.”

“They’re right next door, and I might need more than a few minutes”

“Better keep the noise down, then.” Before Sirius had time to protest, Remus was half way down the bed, sliding his lips down the length of his cock.

“Oh, fuuuck”

Remus replaced his mouth with his hand. “Shh, they’ll hear.”

Sirius bit his lip and nodded as Remus took him back into his mouth, long slow strokes. He swallowed, holding Sirius’ cock deep in his throat and worked his tongue up and down until Sirius was fully hard. Remus slid his hands under Sirius’ arse and squeezed forcing him further into his throat

Remus was obviously some kind of deep-throat GOD, why had this been kept from him all these years?

Sirius’ thighs shook as he came and a herd of fireflies exploded in the back of his eyelids. By the time Remus sat up, he had most of his fist shoved in his mouth to keep quiet.

Remus patted him on the tummy before skipping off the bed and grabbing one of Sirius tee shirts. If Sirius had not been so busy remembering where he was, he might have thought a bit about the way Remus’ stomach muscles rippled when he lifted his arms over his head and wriggled into the tee shirt.

“I’ll leave you to get dressed, shall I? Don’t want to keep James waiting too long. He might come looking for us.” Remus winked before he left

Sirius flopped back, panting. What the fuck was he going to wear?

The Nightclub

The air in the club was thick with smoke and the acrid taste of dry ice settled in the back of Sirius’ throat when they arrived and stayed there. He’d been propping up the bar for the past hour, quietly seething with a combination of jealousy and lust while he watched Remus dancing with near enough fucking everybody.

Peter and James were, somewhere, he didn’t care. Remus had hardly said two words to him since he sucked his cock. That, he cared about.

The music stopped and, thank fuck, he really hated that song. Remus kissed the girl he was dancing with on the cheek and sashayed over to where Sirius was sitting. If Sirius didn’t know better, he might think Remus was looking for a reaction. He didn't expect Remus to play games, that was his job.

Remus took the beer bottle from Sirius and finished it.

Sirius licked his lips. “You’re one behind.” And tried not to think about the way the veins in Remus’ neck stood out when he swallowed and how he wanted to feel Remus' pulse.

Remus reached around Sirius to put the empty on the bar and signaled the barmaid for two more. “Better see about catching up then, hadn’t I?”

Sirius opened his legs so Remus didn’t have to stretch as far to get the drinks and put his hand on his hip to stop him overbalancing. “Cheers,” muttered Remus and clinked his bottle against Sirius’ before draining half of it in one long swallow and again with the throat thing. He settled for touching him and traced the line of the vein with his index fingernail.

“Fuck.” Remus wiped the sweat from his forehead with the back of his arm and swayed against Sirius.

“You’re not doing a great job of drinking me under the table, are you?”

“You think I should try harder?”

“I do.”

“What do you suggest?”

“I suggest you stop being such a slut.”

Remus laughed. “I see, so because you’ve finally come around to the idea that you’re ready to let me fuck you, I’ve to stop being a 'slut'?”

“I believe what I said was, if you can drink me under the table, you can do what you want with my body.”

“Well, what I want to do with your body is fuck it.”

Sirius could smell the girl on him, the cloying scent of her cheap perfume clinging to Remus’ skin. He’d never felt jealousy like it. Before he could remind himself that his ideas were generally flawed, his other hand was in Remus’ hair and their mouths were crushed together. It should have scared him, the intensity of this need to make Remus his and replace her scent with his, but it didn’t. Remus arched his hips against Sirius and kissed him back.

Sirius moved his hand onto Remus’ arse, the bar-rail dug into his back but he didn’t care because he fucking wanted this now. His leather trousers slid against Remus’ – his – jeans and he dragged Remus closer until he was practically sitting in his lap. “Fuck.” Remus breathed against Sirius’ neck.”

“Here?” Sirius almost laughed at how hopeful Remus looked. He hadn’t seen him drinking much but he guessed someone must have bought him a drink or three. “How drunk are you?”

“Well, I’m still upright.” Just, observed Sirius.

“Dance with me?”

I’m not drunk.” This bet was having a weird reverse effect on their lives, Sirius liked it.

Remus grabbed his hand. There was barely room to move on the dance floor, which was fine really, any excuse to be close enough to Remus that they’re sharing air. Remus' hips undulated in slow circles and it wasn't dancing as much as fucking through two layers of clothes.

The sweat slick skin of Remus’ back was fever hot when Sirius slid his hands under his tee shirt and he kind of forgot where they were, all he knew was Remus’ body, Remus’ long legs and Remus' hands on his hips.

Remus hitched Sirius closer as he ground forward and licked his jaw. Sirius either needed another drink, or he needed to get Remus home now.

Remus’ lips latched onto his neck just under his ear, and it was good, too good for a nightclub. Sirius used Remus’ hair to pull his head back, his eyes burnt brightly in the smoky fluorescence. He licked his lips and they lent forward at the same time, hours of frustration pouring out of Sirius’ mouth and down Remus’ throat.

“Mine.” Sirius growled when the record started to wind down and he could hear more than the blood rushing in his ears.

“Toilets?” Remus’ eyes are half closed and Sirius thought that against all odds he might be slightly ahead in the department of ‘being-the-less-drunk’. Which had literally never happened before. Well he couldn’t remember it ever happening so it was probably safe to say it hadn’t. He nodded, and curled his fingers around the nape of Remus’ neck and kissed him again. He felt rather than heard Remus moan, a vibration against his chest. Remus grabbed Sirius’ wrist and led him through the throng of people.

There was one empty cubicle with a broken lock but Sirius slammed Remus against the door the second they were inside and unbuttoned his jeans. Remus’ cock was hot and damp and he groaned so prettily when Sirius touched him that Sirius didn’t give a sodding fuck if anyone heard them and dropped to his knees, spending the next few minutes doing something useful with his mouth.

Remus slid down the door after he came, eyes closed, head tipped back, mouth open. Sirius fixed his jeans and stroked his hair. “All right?”

“I am now.”

“What’s wrong then?”

“I wish I wasn’t drunk, or I wish you didn’t have to be legless before I could take you home and fuck you.”

“I seriously doubt you’re gonna be taking me anywhere, in fact, I was thinking if I wanted to get you home at all I’d have to carry you.”

“Arse, m’not that bad.” Remus swatted at him and missed.

Sirius raised his eyebrows. “Uh-huh.”


Someone banged on the door from outside. “Hurry the fuck UP. There are people out here wanting to use the lav for the purpose it was intended.”

Sirius held a hand out to Remus and hauled him off the floor. “Wanna see what James and Peter are doing, and go back to my place.”

“Thought you’d never ask.”


So, the plan had been, lead Sirius on, tick (blow jobs were like the ultimate in leading on so he’d got that part right). Make Sirius jealous, tick (that might even warrant two ticks it had been so successful). Flirt with Sirius, half a tick (he wasn’t sure who was flirting with whom). Stay sober enough to win bet and take Sirius home after achieving items one two and three, big red cross (still, two and a half out of four wasn’t all bad).

Sitting on the floor in the toilet with Sirius' jeans around his knees demonstrated a distinct lack of control over the situation.

He’d known at the time that starting the night with two shots of sambuca each had bad news written all over it, but James had insisted.

Staggering out of the toilets, well, Remus was staggering, Sirius was irritatingly steady, they found James and Peter at the bar lining up shots and knocking them back. They both had work in the morning so Remus could only assume they were racing to see who’d throw up and get sent home first.

Sirius slung his arm around Remus shoulder, which wasn’t out of the ordinary at all and neither James nor Peter would think twice about it, he did it all the time. But this time, it felt different. Probably because they’d been exchanging blow-jobs for the better part of the evening, but it felt good.

What didn’t feel good, was the underlying knowledge that the whole night hinged on a stupid bet - what if Sirius always needed an incentive?

James handed Remus a shot of something clear, which he assumed was reasonably safe and he swallowed it. Tequila. His teeth felt funny, like they were too big for his mouth all of a sudden and he hoped they weren’t about to fall out. Although if they did he could always get false ones then he could give Sirius a choice, teeth in, teeth out.

He dumped the glass on the bar and tried not to cough.

Peter looked strange, like he had wind, or was about to start vomiting beetles. Then Remus noticed Sirius still had his arm around his neck, the other one round his waist and was virtually holding him up, presumably that was enough to give Peter fish eyes.

Not that he cared, he wasn’t going anywhere. The warmth of the tequila was just settling in his stomach about the same time Sirius’ thumb dipped past his waistband and rubbed the skin there. Peter’s eyes got even wider and Remus thought he should probably get a bowl in case they jumped right out of his head. If he caught them, someone could probably reattach them. That seemed like a huge amount of effort to go to through just for Peter’s eyes.

James started bellowing in Peter’s ear while Sirius' lips brushed the back of Remus’ neck and fluttered back and forth, sending fuzzy tingles into his knees. He resisted the urge to grind back because Peter was still watching him out the corner of his poppy out eyes. His warm post-orgasmic buzz mixed nicely with the tequila, but Peter’s presence was enough to hold him back.

“Right.” James announced to the group. “Some people have work in the morning.”

“And some people’s wives warned them not to stay out too late?” Sirius smirked, well Remus assumed he smirked, he usually did whenever he reminded James how whipped he was.

James looked shifty. “Yeah, well, it’s that or no sex for a week.”

“Mate, hurry! That’s a fate worse than death.”

“See you two next week?” Remus nodded, Sirius waved and James and Peter left.

“Well, that was easy.”

Remus was really starting to regret the bet, he’d rather Sirius be conscious when he fucked him, hell, he’d much rather HE was conscious. “What was?” He turned his head and Sirius was right there, tequila breath against his lips but he doubted his was any better.

“Do you want to just leave?” Remus couldn’t think of anything else to say, he didn’t want to be here with all these people and the fucking noise, he wanted to somewhere quiet and dark, preferably naked with Sirius.

“Changed yer tune, haven’t you?”

“Slightly, werewolf’s perogative don’t you know. I don’t want to get so drunk that I can’t remember… stuff.”


“Sex stuff.”

“I’ll make you a pensieve in the morning.”

“Can we do this sober tomorrow?”

“C’mon, we’re going.”


The Flat

Remus tried to insist that Sirius sidelong Apparate them. Apart from being cheaper than a taxi, it could lead neatly into a prime opportunity to fall over, pull Sirius down with him, and engage in hot sweaty fumbling, followed by hot sweaty sex – he might not even have to pretend to fall over.

Sirius disagreed (with Apparating, not the sweaty sex, Remus hadn’t actually used that as an argument) and hailed a black cab.

The drive home was remarkable only in the number of times Sirius had to remove Remus’ hand from his lap or his tongue from his ear. “We’re going to get kicked out if you keep this up.”

“M’sorry. I can’t help myself. Remus had Sirius pressed so close to the door, that if it opened suddenly they’d be rolling about on the street. Remus hoped the door didn’t open suddenly, but not enough to back off. “Have I told you how much I love the taste of your skin?”

“No, as that is the gayest thing I have ever heard you say, and we only started doing gay today. Anyway, I thought it was more of a general licking problem, what with your lupinesque tendencies.”

“Wanker. I’m trying to be romantic here.”

“You’re drunk, romance doesn’t count when you’re drunk.”

“I’ll bear that in mind.” The alcohol had definitely loosened Remus’ tongue. “I do though. I want to know what every part of you tastes like.” Sirius shivered slightly and Remus knew he’d got him. He laid his head on Sirius shoulder and kissed him under his ear. “Will you let me do that?”


It was about then, that the taxi driver, swearing that he was scarred for life, and ranting about, ‘bloody nancy boys,’ kicked them out two blocks from Sirius’ flat. They walked the rest of the way with their arms around each other, tripping over their feet as they found out just how difficult inebriated walking and snogging at the same time were. ‘Snog-walk’, Sirius coined it and Remus thought this was an excellent concept that they should spend a lot of time trying to perfect.

Sirius dropped his ridiculously oversized bunch of keys on his foot. Remus who had sobered up marginally on the way back, bent double and laughing at him while he hopped about on the landing.

“Finding pleasure in my pain, that’s harsh, Moony. Not to mention kinky.” Sirius waggled his eyebrows.

Remus smiled, and patted Sirius’ arse when he bent over to pick the keys up.

Sirius stood up slowly and fumbled with the lock. He looked at Remus over his shoulder. “But you didn’t drink me under the table.”

“Maybe not, but I am going to open the door for you, surely that has to count for something.” He reached around Sirius and turned the key the right way up, it worked much better that way.

“Thanks, Moony. I’m rubbish with Muggle technology.”

“Unlocking a door is hardly the height of scientific achievement, I’m afraid.”

“Nonetheless, if you weren’t here, I’d freeze to death on my own doorstep. It’s fate, the gods are with us.”

“Agreed, it’s a constant surprise to me that you don’t kill yourself on a regular basis.”

Sirius’ eyebrows shot about half way up his forehead. “Hey, unfair, I thought you were drunk!”

“I am, doesn’t mean I’ve suddenly lost the power of witty retort.” He might have lost the power in his legs, but the alcoholic haze was thinning.

“Shame.” Sirius shook his head.

“Can I still fuck you?” Remus dropped his hand to Sirius’ crotch and gave a quick squeeze.

Sirius turned around and walked backwards into the flat. He pursed his lips and tapped them with his forefinger. “Hmm.”

Remus followed Sirius in and took his wrist, turned it over and brought it to his mouth. He kissed where the pulse beat strongest and then his inner arm, towards his elbow.

“Please?” Remus said between kisses and looked up at Sirius out of the corner of his eye. He kicked the door closed. Sirius took another step back and Remus let Sirius’ wrist go and trapped him against the wall between his arms. “I only danced with those others to make you jealous.”

“It worked.”

“I wanted to dance with you, wanted you to notice me.”

“I take it back, you only get this bloody emotional when you’re pissed. So, blowing you off in the cubicle wasn’t enough notice for you? I didn’t see me sucking anyone else’s cock.”

Remus laughed. “I hate you.” His hands on either side of Sirius’ head itched to shake him.

“No you don’t.”

“You’re right, I don’t.”

“Less talking, more getting naked.”

“I can talk and get naked at the same time.”

“I see no proof of this bravado.” Sirius tilted his chin and bit his lip. He lifted Remus tee shirt up and over his head but it wouldn’t come off his arms unless Remus moved his hands.

Remus lent forward and kissed him, the tee shirt acting as a makeshift collar. Sirius seemed 'not-uncomfortable', so Remus twisted the fabric around his fist.

“What else d’you have in mind. Spanking?” Sirius’ voice came out breathy and he licked his lips.

“If you want. I’m making it up as I go along. The shirt was conveniently around your neck, and… I went with it. You do have a pretty neck.”

“My arse is nothing short of fabulous, if you ever actually undress me, you’ll see it.”

“Patience, patience. Anyone would think I hadn’t already given you the best blow-job of your life before we went out.” Remus kissed him, mostly to shut him up, thus negating his need to reply. He squeezed his knee between Sirius’ thighs, forcing them open and slid back and forth.

Sirius ground against Remus and arched forward, which only increased the pressure on his windpipe. His breathing became laboured and after a few moments of frantic kissing, he sank back against the wall.

Remus tossed the tee shirt on the floor. He’d had about enough of this standing up business and tried to remember the quickest way to Sirius’ bed from the hall.

Sirius was breathing easier but the red marks left behind were warm to Remus’ touch. “Bedroom?”

Sirius stretched his neck as Remus stroked. “It is usual for this sort of thing. So I’ve heard.”

They certainly didn’t take the quickest route to the bedroom. In fact, it was probably the least amount of space covered in the longest period of time, ever. Various items of ripped and or discarded clothing marked the detours they had taken, like the not so quick roll on the kitchen floor that ended when Sirius stubbed his big toe on the table leg and head-butted Remus during the consequential writhing in pain.

Eventually, Remus had Sirius on the bed, naked. He stopped and just looked because, Sirius, naked, on the bed. “I think there’s been more than enough cock sucking for one night.”

“I could spend eternity sucking your cock.”

“I’m sure that would get tedious very quickly. For you obviously, I’d be grand.”

Sirius legs were spread and he started touching himself. Remus watched fascinated as his long fingers stroked deftly and he gasped and moaned Remus’ name. He could probably have come from watching Sirius wank, but there was something else he wanted to do. “Turn over.” Sirius opened his mouth. “Now,” added Remus, sterner than he’d intended. Sirius was on all fours a heartbeat later.

Remus stroked the back of Sirius’ legs - feather-light touches that grazed his inner thighs and higher. Without losing contact with Sirius’ skin, Remus circled his arse and spread Sirius’ cheeks from balls to cleft with his thumbs, and back. The second time he pressed his thumb to Sirius’ opening. Rather than push in, Remus lowered his head, hovered inches above Sirius’ hole and blew gently.

Judging from Sirius’ reaction he might as well have stuck a hurricane up his arse. “Bloody hell, do you want another drink or something?”

“No-o, took me by surprise is all. Again.” Sirius’ shoulders were pressed into the pillow, his head turned to the side and his tongue curled over his top lip.

“Accio lubricant.” Sirius didn’t see the pot fly into Remus’ hand because his eyes were squeezed shut, but he couldn’t have missed the smack as it hit his’ palm. Remus used his thumb to draw a glistening trail from the base of Sirius cock, over the entrance to his body. He played with Sirius, rolled his balls, tickled the skin between his cock and his anus, willed him to relax.

When he was fairly certain Sirius wasn’t about to leap three feet in the air, Remus replaced his finger with his tongue and licked the skin around Sirius’ hole. Sirius tensed at the first touch of Remus’ tongue. But his hips rocked in time when Remus stroked his cock. Remus’ smirked and pursed his lips over Sirius’ arsehole.

“Mmm, god, Remus. So good” Sirius’ hips pumped the air and his arse was raised as high as he could manage.

Remus swirled his tongue a few more times and held Sirius’ still with one hand on his hip and one hand on his cock while he pushed his tongue inside. Sirius clenched around him and Remus furled his tongue into a point and swirled and stroked until he felt Sirius relax. He pulled steadily on Sirius’ cock and gradually his hips built up a steady thrust into Remus’ fist.

However much Remus adored the fact that he could reduce Sirius to an incoherent mess, without fucking him, he still wanted Sirius to come on his cock. Also, his jaw was starting to ache. Still, he took his time, licking Sirius’ pre-come from his fingers before applying more lube. Remus groaned in relief when he smeared a cool layer over his throbbing cock. He took hold of Sirius’ waist and lifted him as his hips snapped forward.

Sirius shook in his arms, Remus didn’t know how soothing he could be when he felt like he might implode any second in the sucking heat of Sirius’ body. He managed to kiss Sirius shoulder without moving too much and murmur a few words of encouragement. Sirius was almost painfully tight and Remus wanted to squirm, move, anything. But he screwed his self-control into a tight ball in his chest and fought the instinct to pound Sirius into the bed.


Remus fucking him with his tongue melted what little of Sirius’ mind was functioning on a level above, more, more, harder, more. He didn’t want Remus to stop but if he didn’t he was going to come. Of course, it might also be that Remus was particularly good at sticking his tongue up people’s arses and he hated to think where he got the practice.

Sirius’ orgasm hovered annoyingly out of reach - so close he could feel it in the tips of his fingers. Remus’ tongue disappeared and Sirius’ whined at the sudden shift from full to empty. He still wasn’t quite prepared for Remus’ swift entry but he clenched his jaw and held his breath.

Sirius sat back as much as he could into Remus’ lap, taking even more. His head fell back on Remus’ shoulder and he let out a long breath.

Remus sucked kisses into his throat and his hands fluttered rapidly over Sirius’ chest as if trying to touch all of him at once.

Sirius used his thighs to lift and drop. He twisted his neck to meet Remus’ mouth and Remus started a slow grind.

Remus urged Sirius onto all fours and knelt behind him. He thrust hard and fast, Sirius grunted every time Remus’ pelvis smacked his arse, cock deep inside him.

“Want to go on top for a bit?”

“Lazy bastard.”

“I want to see your face when you come.”

Sirius didn’t have an argument for that. They flipped and Sirius straddled Remus’ waist. He rode Remus’ cock, tilting his hips at the perfect angle, hitting his prostate more often than not. Their hips slapped together, Sirius couldn’t take anymore, for a few seconds it felt like every muscle is stretched to snapping point, then past, and he was boneless - coming apart and the only thing stopping him from shattering was Remus.

Sirius knew the second Remus’ came inside him, and he fucked him through it.

Remus’ chest was dotted with splashes of his own come when Sirius collapsed on it and squashed his face between the pillow and Remus’ shoulder.

“Why have we never done this before?” Sirius mumbled.

“Because you’re an idiot.”

“We both know that, which is why you’re supposed to be sensible for both of us. You really should have done something a long time ago.” Sirius was tired of Remus putting unreasonable expectations on him.

Remus rolled his eyes.

“In fact, I’d say you owe me about six years worth of shags and blow-jobs, lets say an average of four and three a week respectively, multiplied by fifty-two for a year, multiplied by at least six, makes -” Sirius looked helplessly at his fingers. “Shit, I dunno, what does that make, Remus?”

“Four thousand and eighty five.”

“See! Told you it was a lot.” Sirius waggled his finger. “It’s your own fault y’know.”

Seconds or hours passed and Sirius wondered if Remus had fallen asleep. Regrettably he can't move to check because he has been fucked into a near-coma. Remus was either asleep, or passed out, it was as likely to be one as the other.

Eventually, Sirius gathered the energy to drag the quilt over them and tucked it around Remus. He closed his eyes and it crossed his mind that really, this was very unhygienic and he should get up and have a shower, and he decided to ask the penguin his opinion, and then realised it’s ninety percent or thereabouts likely that he was asleep too, and it didn’t matter so much anymore.


Sirius woke up alone, which was not right, he distinctly remembered someone else there when he fell asleep. Someone who was Remus. His best mate who had starred in his wank fantasies since he was thirteen years old. His best mate, whom he’d never had the courage to get involved with for fear he’d fuck up, which was sort of a given, Sirius fucking up.

Sirius staggered into the kitchen and was slightly appeased to find Remus reading the paper. He looked up when Sirius came in. “Tea?”

“What sort of question is that to ask a bloke the morning after you’ve had your cock in his arse and left him to wake up alone?”

“Umm, the kind that means I want to know if you’d like tea? Why don’t you sit down, you look a bit pale?”

Sirius sat and took the cup of tea Remus poured for him.

“You’re naked.” “I thought you’d left.”

“What? No! How could you think that?” Remus took the cup from Sirius’ hand, put it on the table and knelt beside him. “I got up early so I could plan the rest of our lives together. Also, you radiate heat like some kind of power generator. It was either get up, or dehydrate.”

“Arse.” Sirius tried to keep the affection out of his voice.


“Do you have plans for today?”

“More sex?”

Sirius grinned. “With me?”

“Yes with you, you giant berk.”

“That’s all right then, I think that will fit in with my plans quite nicely.”

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Calico Jynx