Man's Best Friend
Author: Mysid
Rating: PG
Archiving: All FQF will be archived solely at this site until September 30th, 2004. At that point, the author may post the fic elsewhere or may be contacted to have this fic archived at different sites if they so choose.
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. I do not own Harry Potter, its characters, or anything associated with it. I'm not making any money from this story, and I don't intend to.
Challenge & Summary: Full Moon #5: The puppies celebrate an anniversary. (It must be something sweet and something pertaining to them.) and Full Moon #12: One of the pups feels under appreciated by the other. During fifth year, Sirius wonders which of them is Remus’s best friend. He believes he deserves to be the one, but fears that he is not.
Author Notes: I took a bit of liberty with the “anniversary” idea, as they don’t remember the exact date, but it’s the right time of year and the same location.
Remus unrolled his essay to estimate its length and then leaned back in his chair staring at his unfinished work. Sirius recognized the signs. Remus was getting restless and wanted to take a break, and this close to the full moon, there was only one place Remus was likely to go—the kitchens. Sirius pretended to be absorbed in his own work, but he peeked up through his fringe and watched as Remus wrote a few more sentences and then dropped his quill beside his parchment.
“He’s going,” Sirius thought. “Ask me to go with you. ‘Hey, Padfoot, want to go to the kitchens with me?’” Remus glanced up at Sirius, but Sirius looked down at his textbook before Remus could catch him staring.
“Does anyone want to go to the kitchens with me?” Remus asked as he stood up from the Common Room table.
“Bugger,” Sirius thought.
“Yeah, I’ll go,” Peter said.
“No, thanks,” James said.
“Sirius?” Remus asked.
Sirius shook his head. He didn’t care if he went; he’d wanted to be asked. If Remus were going alone, Sirius would gladly go with him to keep him company, but he felt no temptation to tag along if Peter would be there. Sirius abandoned all pretense of pretending to work and watched as Remus and Peter made their way through the Common Room. Just before they stepped out of the portrait hole, Remus laughed at something Peter said.
“Bugger,” Sirius said under his breath.
“Hmm?”
“Nothing.”
Sirius unrolled his unfinished essay and reread the portion he’d written. He hoped that focusing on his Defence essay would distract him from thinking about Remus, but it only called to mind the previous day’s Defence class. After reviewing several blocking spells and teaching an additional one, Professor Grianan had instructed the class to pair off to practice using them. Although sitting near Sirius, Remus had leaned forward to look past him and asked Peter to be his partner. Sirius had not been left without a partner, of course—there was James—but it rankled him that Remus hadn’t asked him.
It had never before occurred to Sirius to wonder about the dynamics of their little group, but now he couldn’t help but think about it. That he and James were best friends was a given. They had loathed each other intensely for the first month, but then became friends with an equal intensity. But did that make Remus and Peter best friends by default? Sirius had always thought of their friendships as a collective, a group friendship.
Did Remus consider any one of them to be his best friend? And if he did, which one? Ever since yesterday’s Defence class, Sirius had been alert to any sign that Remus preferred the company of any one of them, and especially alert to any sign that it was Peter. Remus had gone with Peter to breakfast this morning rather than wait for James or Sirius, and he’d shared a potting bench with Peter in Herbology. Remus had chosen to sit with Sirius in Potions, but he always did that. Potions was not Remus’s strongest subject, and he relied on Sirius’s help to get through. He’d sat beside James in Transfiguration, even though he had to pass an empty seat next to Sirius. And it wasn’t to get James’s help; McGonagall was too sharp let them get away with that. But it was with Peter that Remus had spent two hours in the library yesterday while James and Sirius were at Quidditch practice.
“Peter doesn’t deserve to be his best friend,” Sirius
thought with a scowl, “not after the way he reacted when we told him that
Remus is a werewolf.” Peter
had come around quickly, but his initial reaction had been fear. Sirius had threatened to hex him if he
said anything stupid or cruel to Remus.
“And what’s he ever done for Remus?” Peter had become an animagus,
mastering it just recently, but they’d all done that for Remus. “James is the one who had the idea,
and I’m the one who did most of the research. And James and I took turns trying
everything first. We’ve already
spent two full moons with Remus, and this will only be Peter’s first.
“And when was the last time Peter went down to the hospital wing to visit Remus unless James or I were going too? I’m the one who goes at least once a day, every single day Remus is in there. I’m the one who spends a fortune in Honeydukes buying chocolate just so I can put it in Remus’s bedside table. I’m the one who memorizes the dates of the full moons every year so I’ll always know if anything will fall on a bad day for Remus.”
“Sirius!” James
gave him a rough shove.
Sirius glared back
as he rubbed his arm where James had pushed him. “What, you stupid
berk?”
“For the ninetieth
time, pass me Moony’s ink bottle, mine’s out. Merlin, where the hell are you
tonight?”
Sirius roughly
passed his own ink to James, splashing some on the table in the process. “Don’t use Moony’s. He can’t afford to buy supplies for
you and him.”
“I’ll buy him some
more. You know I
will.”
Sirius allowed
several minutes of silence to pass before he dared to ask James one of the
questions on his mind. “James, do you think Remus and Peter are best friends?”
“I suppose so,”
James answered as if only half listening. “Cricket carapaces are interchangeable
with grasshopper carapaces in most potions aren’t they?”
“What do you mean, you suppose so? Do you think so or not?”
James finally
looked up from his Potions textbook.
“What are you on about?”
“Do you really
think Peter is Remus’s best friend?”
“I’ll pass him a
note in class and ask him,” James said sarcastically. “Don’t be such a
girl.”
James’s “girl”
comment left Sirius thoroughly chastened. Their friendships simply were; they
weren’t something to be discussed.
When Remus and Peter returned from the kitchens, Sirius tried to put the
questions out of his mind.
Tried. He wasn’t
completely successful.
* * * * *
Hours later, he
lay awake in bed running through a mental checklist of all the ways each of them
showed Remus that they were his friends.
The vast majority were, of course, shared by all. Just as he’d suspected, their
friendship was primarily collective.
But Sirius felt somehow triumphant every time he thought of something he
did that neither of the others did, but nagging doubts as to their importance
remained. “I’m the one who sits with him after he’s
had a nightmare—but that’s probably because my bed is next to his, and I’m the
one who hears him. I usually sit
next to him in the Great Hall—but I sit across from James, and I probably talk
to James more. After the full
moon, I go over whatever he missed in class with him—but he likes James’s notes
better than mine. We all became
animagi for him—but I’m the dog.
I came the closest to being a wolf. That’s got to mean
something.”
Sirius heard a
soft rustle of curtains from the neighboring bed, Remus’s bed, and the nearly
silent scuffle of bare feet on the floor. He pulled his own curtains open and
saw Remus take a seat on the wide sill of the window. From his bed, Sirius couldn’t see the
moon, but Remus was bathed in her cold light. Sirius didn’t need the
moonlight to tell him the moon was gibbous and waxing. He knew the exact date and time the
full moon would rise. Two
days. In two more days Remus
would have to suffer again.
Sirius got up and
joined Remus on the windowsill.
Remus moved his feet to make room for Sirius without needing to be
asked. This wasn’t the first
night they’d sat here together.
At eleven, they’d both fit comfortably; at fifteen, the tight space
should have been uncomfortably close, and yet it wasn’t. Sirius thought it was rather like a
tree growing out of a crack in a rock.
A full-grown tree, or even a sapling, could never be planted in the
crack, but a seedling could take up residence there and then grow into it. If he and Remus had first attempted to
fit together on the windowsill at fifteen, at least one of them would have ended
up falling gracelessly to the floor.
To prevent that fall from happening tonight, Sirius wedged one foot
between Remus and the wall and kept his other foot on the
ground.
“Can’t sleep?”
Remus asked. Sirius shook his
head. “Your mind just won’t turn
off, or is something bothering you?”
“Both, I guess,” Sirius admitted. He didn’t need to ask why Remus was
awake. He became slightly
nocturnal as the wolf grew stronger within him. He couldn’t sleep well at night, and
needed naps during the day.
“Want to talk
about it?” Sirius shook his head
again. Remus nodded and turned
his face back to the sky.
“She’s a beautiful
bitch, isn’t she?” Sirius asked.
“Beautiful and cruel.”
Remus smiled
slightly. “In Muggle fairy tales,
beauty and goodness always go together.
Evil characters are ugly.”
“That’s stupid.
Most of my family is good-looking.”
Remus looked away
from the window and down at his folded arms upon his knees pulled close to his
chest. His newest scars, the ones
he’d acquired despite Padfoot’s efforts to distract him, were clear even in the
strange grey light of the moon.
“Sometimes it’s true,” he said softly.
Remus’s thoughts
were all too easy to read. Sirius
wanted to tell him that he was wrong on both counts. Remus wasn’t evil; he was a
good person dealing with a horrible curse. And as for his scars, Sirius thought
they were a physical testament to how strong and resilient Remus was. They weren’t ugly. In a strange way they were
beautiful. But boys didn’t
tell other boys they were beautiful.
Sirius decided to lighten the moment by joking instead.
“Of course it’s
true sometimes.
Look at me—I’m devastatingly handsome and I’m the very essence of
goodness.”
Remus
laughed.
* * * * *
Getting Remus
through the full moon, an ordeal made less traumatic now that his friends could
join him in the Shrieking Shack and distract him from constant self-mutilation,
but still an ordeal none the less, and then seeing him through the recovery
period, definitely took precedence in Sirius’s mind over his own petty worries
about what Remus thought of their friendship. But within less than a week, Sirius
found himself wondering again.
O.W.L.S were now
only weeks away, and Sirius found himself living with dormmates single-mindedly
focused on their studies.
It meant that the dormitory was unnervingly quiet, and quiet allowed him
to think too much. With the end
of the year exams also approaching, all of Gryffindor had suddenly become
studious. Even down in the Common
Room, no one wanted to play a nice distracting game of Exploding Snap or
Gobstones.
And so Sirius
thought. Even more disturbing
than the fact that he didn’t know whether or not Remus considered him his best
friend—when it was perfectly obvious to Sirius that he should be considered
such—was the fact that he was obsessed with this. “I know I’m James’s best
friend. What kind of narcissistic
bastard needs more than one person to think he’s their best friend?” And yet, somehow it seemed important that
Remus value Sirius’s friendship highly.
Sirius was disturbed by the idea of someone else being more important to
Remus than Sirius was—even if that someone else was one of their other friends.
“I’m going to fail
Potions, you know,” Remus said.
“I only made it through this year because of you.”
Sirius was lying
on the floor between his own bed and Remus’s, with his books and notes spread
out around him. He looked up to
see Remus peering over the side of the bed at him. “You’ll do well enough to pass. Do you want me to study with
you?”
Remus bit his lip
as he considered, and then he shook his head. “Better not. I’d do better to see what I still
don’t know on my own. You carry me too much.”
“I’m sorry.” Sirius stared down at his books and
notes again rather than face Remus.
“Don’t be. Potions would have been unbearable if
you hadn’t, but now I have to pay for it.”
“I guess it’s a
good thing that Potions was the only class you’re willing to sit beside
me.” Sirius grimaced; he hadn’t
meant to say that. It was true. Ever since he’d started paying
attention to such things, Sirius had noticed that Remus was unwilling to sit
beside Sirius in any other class.
He’d sit beside Peter sometimes, James sometimes, and even alone
sometimes. But he only sat with
Sirius in Potions, and they’d partnered in there since first year. It was a tradition too old for Remus
to break without Sirius noticing.
“You noticed,”
Remus said in a quiet and strangely tense voice.
Sirius’s heart
sank. It was one thing if Remus
had been avoiding him unconsciously, something else if it had been
deliberate. The first meant that
Remus simply didn’t care to spend much time with him; the second meant that
Remus actually disliked spending time with him. He began to doodle little black
spirals and checkerboards into the margins of his notes.
“What else—um—”
Sirius heard Remus shift on his bed and parchment crinkle as Remus accidentally
leaned upon it. “I’m really
sorry.”
Sirius shook his
head to dismiss the apology, but he continued to draw dark little designs on his
parchment. “Don’t apologize; it’s
alright. I’m used to people not
wanting me around. And if you
do fail Potions, you won’t have to put up
with me for any classes next year.” Sirius knew it was a cruel thing to
say, but Remus had hurt him. He
needed to hurt back.
“It’s not
that—”
“Save it,” Sirius
said angrily. He sat up and
started to gather his things together.
Suddenly the idea of studying in the Common Room seemed much more
appealing. It might be the only
way to keep from saying something even more hurtful.
“We need to talk,”
Remus said quietly. “Will you go
for a walk with me?”
Sirius didn’t
trust himself to answer. He
didn’t even know what he wanted to answer, but he did drop his books back on the
floor. Remus fished his trainers
out from under his bed, but Sirius made no effort to do likewise. He felt Remus grasp his
shoulder.
“Please,” Remus
said even more quietly. “I can’t
talk about this in front of the others.”
Sirius nodded
reluctantly. He slipped on his
shoes and headed for the door, leaving Remus to make excuses for their sudden
departure to James and Peter. He
heard the word “Honeydukes” mentioned, so he headed in the direction of the
one-eyed witch statue after passing through the Common Room.
“You don’t really
need more chocolate already, do you?” Sirius asked as Remus fell into step
beside him. Sirius had just
replenished Remus’s stash while he was in the hospital
wing.
“No, my anonymous
supplier has been busy,” Remus said with a pointed glance in Sirius’s
direction. “It was just an
excuse, but Peter and James asked me to get them some sugar quills while we’re
there.”
“I guess we have
to go then.”
They were halfway
through the tunnel, and Sirius had just bumped his head for the second time,
when he decided that he’d had enough of the silence. Remus had said that wanted to talk to him, but they had
been alone for several minutes and Remus hadn’t said a word. So Sirius sat.
When Remus stopped
and looked back at him, Sirius cocked his head to the side and said, “Time’s
up. Either you’ve thought up a
sugar-coated excuse for not sitting near me in class and for refusing to partner
me in Defence, or it’s time to admit that you don’t like being around me.”
“In
Defence?”
“You were sitting
closer to me, but you asked Peter to be your partner.”
“So you could be
James’s partner. Didn’t you want
to be James’s partner?”
Sirius felt
foolish for not having realized what should have been an obvious explanation,
but he wasn’t willing to give up all of his indignation. “That doesn’t explain why you
avoid sitting near me.”
Remus bit his
lower lip and sat where he was, several feet away from Sirius. Remus ran a hand through his hair in a
very Jamesian way, and Sirius looked away. He wanted the truth, but he didn’t
want Remus to see how much the truth would hurt him. He focused instead on charming
scattered stones on the floor to glow so they would be able to darken their
wands.
“Of course I like
being around you,” Remus began, “it’s just in class.
I—you’re distracting. I’ve
been avoiding you in class lately because I can’t concentrate very well if
you’re near me. O.W.L.S are
coming up, and I need to pay attention.”
Sirius looked up
during this explanation and saw that it seemed sincere. He laughed in relief. “Is that all? You could have said
something. ‘Shut up, you stupid
sod. I’m trying to pay
attention,’ generally works.
That’s what James says when I’m annoying him. He’s no better, of
course. That’s why McGonagall
won’t let us sit near each other you know.”
“I
know.”
“She says we that
we distract each other, and if we’re together, we distract the
class.’”
“I know.” Remus bit his lip
again.
“So I can sit near
you as long as I promise not to bother you, right?” Sirius asked. Remus hesitated and then shook his
head.
Sirius almost
asked, “Why not?” but fell silent as a realization struck him. Remus could have discussed this in
front of James and Peter. “You’re
an annoying git,” didn’t require privacy. This wasn’t the real reason Remus
wouldn’t sit near him in class; this was a lie designed to spare Sirius’s
feelings. Remus had asked to go
for a walk to buy time to think of a lie. Remus didn’t want to be around
him. And if he didn’t want Sirius
around, Sirius wouldn’t stay around.
He still had enough self-respect for that.
“I’ll give you one
thing. You’re a much better liar
than you used to be, Remus Lupin.
I actually believed you for a minute. I’ll go get the sugar quills,” Sirius
said. He transformed and ran down
the tunnel as fast as four legs could carry him. He was able to climb the stairs and
nudge open the trapdoor into the cellar as a dog, but he changed back into human
form to get a box of sugar quills off a shelf. He didn’t have any money with him to
leave on the steps up to the shop, but he’d simply tell James to pay for them
the next time he went into the sweet shop—if he
remembered.
The drawback of
regaining a human mind had been immediate. As a dog, he’d been able to focus just
on his task. Now, as a human, he
couldn’t help but reflect on how Remus was rejecting his friendship. The initial feelings of
sadness and loneliness were quickly joined by anger.
Sirius pulled the
trapdoor closed over his head as he went down the stairs into the tunnel. He saw
the light of Remus’s wand approach and thought about transforming back rather
than face Remus again. He
hesitated, not knowing what to do with the box of quills. “And why should I run away? He’s the one who’s in the wrong this
time, not me” Sirius thought
defiantly. He stood on the lowest
step and waited.
“You’re an idiot,
you know,” Sirius said angrily.
“Most people who hate me have a reason. The family hates me because I utterly
and completely reject everything they stand for. Some of the teachers hate me because I
get bored in their classes and make trouble. But you—you don’t like me, and you
don’t even have a good reason.
I’ve done nothing to you but try to be your friend. If you can’t see that—” Sirius broke
off abruptly when he felt tears threaten to fall. He was not going to cry in front of Remus.
“Of course I know you’re my friend,” Remus
said. He started to reach out for
Sirius’s arm, but thought better of it and crossed his arms instead. “Do you remember the first time you
brought me here?”
Sirius shook his
head. He remembered, but he
didn’t want to talk.
“It was first
year, just around this time of year.
It was also just after a full moon, and I’d got out of the hospital wing
that day. I was dying to have
some chocolate while studying for exams, but I didn’t have any left. You came bounding into the
dormitory like an overexcited puppy.”
Remus smiled as he said it.
“James wasn’t there, and you were dying to show someone the new tunnel
you’d discovered, so you said, ‘Remus, you’ve got to come with me! This is absolutely
brilliant!’”
Sirius remembered,
and he hadn’t been looking for James.
He’d discovered the tunnel the previous day, but had waited for Remus to
come back so he could show him first.
Remus was the one with a sweet tooth, not James, so it just made sense to
share the tunnel to Honeydukes with Remus first.
“You brought me
down here, and—I don’t know if I can explain to you what it meant to me.” Remus sat down on the steps as he
spoke, and after a pause, Sirius sat beside him. “Just a month before, just before the
previous full moon, the three of you told me that you knew what I am. You all told me that you were still my
friends, and that this wouldn’t change anything between us—and I didn’t believe
you.”
Sirius looked
askance at Remus but didn’t say anything.
“I believed that
you wanted it to be true, but—of
course things were different
between us. How could you look at
me and not see a dark creature?
From now on, you’d look at me and think ‘werewolf.’ I know that’s why Peter wouldn’t sleep
in the bed next to mine anymore.”
“You didn’t
believe our story about a draught.”
Remus shook his
head. “Pathetic. But I really dreaded the first time
you and James acted afraid of me.
Maybe I’d lose my temper and see fear in your eyes, or maybe when we
studied werewolves in Defence, you’d be forced to confront just how dangerous I
can be.”
Remus took a deep
breath. “And then you brought me down here. I mean, look around, Padfoot.” Remus gestured down the tunnel lost in
the darkness beyond the faint sphere of wandlight. “Could we be any more isolated and
alone? This is not a place you chose to go in the
company of a dark creature who might want to tear your throat out. You trusted me. And you didn’t even seem to realize
that it was a brave thing to do. You were just bringing your friend to
see the brilliant secret tunnel you’d discovered. That’s when I started to believe that
maybe, just maybe, you could look at me and see ‘Remus,’ not ‘a
werewolf’.”
“Of course we do,”
Sirius said quietly.
Remus shook his
head. “You do. James and Peter never forget what I
am, but they aren’t as afraid of me as they used to be. But you have never been afraid of
me.”
“I don’t forget
that you’re a werewolf either,” Sirius said, “but the wolf is part of you, and I
like you, so why shouldn’t I like the wolf?”
“Thank you. You’re naïve, but thank
you.”
“So, confess. Why won’t you sit near me in
class? And don’t give me that
shit about my annoying you in class, because you could have said that in the
dormitory.”
“I didn’t say you
annoyed me, I said that you distracted me.” Remus leaned forward and hid his face
in his hands. “Don’t make me tell
you.”
“I’d tell
you.”
“Don’t be so
sure,” Remus said, still into his hands.
He laughed bitterly and looked up into the darkness ahead of them. “You won’t want to sit near me once I tell you, and you’ll
probably make Peter switch beds back—that is if you don’t kick me out of the
dormitory all together.”
“What could
possibly—”
“I watch the way
your hands move.”
“My
hands?”
“And you smell
good.”
“You can borrow my
shampoo if you want.”
Remus sighed. “I notice the way your hair catches
the light, and the way your pulse beats under the skin on your throat, and the
way your face changes when you smile, and—other things. Are you going to make me say
this?”
“Say what?” Sirius
asked in exasperation. “Honestly,
Moony, if you’re so easily distracted that you watch me, I
don’t—”
“I think I’m a
poof, alright? You distract me
because I’m a poof, and you’re so bloody good-looking that I can’t keep my eyes
off you.”
“Oh.”
“Yes,
oh.”
“You think you’re a
poof.”
Remus stood and
took a few steps away. He became
a silhouette in his wandlight.
“Well, I haven’t exactly put it to a test, but I’ve never watched any
girls the way I do you.”
Sirius lit his own
wand so he could see more of Remus than a shadow. “You can’t be my partner in
Potions anymore,” Sirius said firmly.
Remus nodded
without turning around.
“You aren’t
distracted by James, are you?”
“No,” Remus
answered in a quiet voice.
“Good, because
he’s better in Potions than Peter is.
He’s not quite as good as I am, but good enough to get you through. I won’t have you fail Potions and blow
your chance to become an auror because you were distracted by
me.”
Remus had turned
while Sirius explained whom his new Potions partner would be, and a look of
complete confusion was on his face.
“But—I don’t—you aren’t angry?”
“Why would I be
angry? It’s flattering,” Sirius
said with a grin. “Am I distracting in the showers too? Do you like watching the foam from my
shampoo slide down my body when I rinse my hair?”
“Oh god,” Remus
groaned as he rubbed an imaginary crease from his forehead. “You’re going to torture me, aren’t
you?”
“What are friends
for?” Sirius laughed and patted
the step beside him. “I’m glad
you told me,” he said as Remus sat down again.
Remus smiled. “And this is an appropriate setting
for it. Four years ago, this is
where you made me believe you didn’t mind a werewolf for a friend. Now, you make me believe you don’t
mind a poof for a friend either.
Merlin, I’m a double freak, and you don’t even care.”
“You think you’re a poof,” Sirius reminded
him. “I think you need to put it
to a test.”
“I
will—eventually.”
Remus reached for
the box of sugar quills at Sirius’s feet, but Sirius used his foot to push the
box out of Remus’s reach. Remus
looked up in surprise while still leaning in Sirius’s direction, and Sirius
kissed him before he could pull any further away. Remus started back in surprise before
the kiss could become any more than a faint touch of lips to
lips.
“What are you
doing?”
“Kissing you,
Moony. You want to know, don’t
you?” Sirius put his hand on the
step just behind Remus’s back and leaned in to kiss him again, but Remus bolted
off the step.
“This isn’t a
game, Sirius,” Remus said
angrily. “It’s bad enough that
I’ve fallen for you knowing that you’re never, ever going to feel the same way. And I’m trying to not feel this
way—and it’s hard, Sirius, it’s just bloody hard being
around you—and then you want to kiss me just for laughs?” Remus growled a very human growl of
exasperation as he stalked away.
But Sirius hadn’t
wanted to kiss him “just for laughs,” and he mentally cursed himself that he’d
bungled it so badly.
“I’m sorry,
Moony,” Sirius said as he grabbed his friend’s arm and tried to slow him
down. “I know it’s not a game,
and I should have asked before I kissed you, and it’s the stupid girls’
fault.” That made Remus stop and
look at Sirius, and Sirius could see that he was trying not to
laugh.
“What?” Remus shook his head as if to clear it
of Sirius-induced confusion.
“What girl?”
“The girls—all of them. They like it when you just suddenly
kiss them, so I got in the habit. Not that I’ve kissed that
many. More than you, but we know
why now.”
“Yes, now we know
why,” Remus said wryly.
“And anyway, how
do you know that I’ll ‘never feel the same’ if you don’t let me kiss
you?” Sirius asked as he took Remus’s hand. Remus’s eyes opened a bit wider for a
moment, but then he shook his head slightly and took a step
back.
“You like
girls, Padfoot, and that’s not
suddenly going to change if you kiss me.”
Sirius
shrugged. “To tell the truth,
I’ve never noticed anyone the way you say you look at me. Maybe I—it doesn’t matter. The point is, I didn’t care
about any of the girls I’ve dated.
I dated them because they wanted to date me, and because that’s what I
was supposed to do. So, I’ve
kissed girls, but I’ve never kissed you.
I want to kiss you. May I?”
Sirius waited a
moment for an answer, and then realizing that one should never give Remus too
much time to think about why something was a bad idea, he didn’t wait any
longer. He closed the distance
between them with one step and dropped his wand so he could capture Remus’s
waist and hold it close. Remus’s
mouth opened to protest, but the words were lost into Sirius’s mouth. Remus froze as if unable to
decide whether to struggle against what was happening or to surrender to the
experience.
Sirius improvised
an imitation of the best kiss he’d ever got—from ‘Talented-tongue Tabitha’—first
licking inside Remus’s lip and then sliding his tongue along Remus’s
tongue. A noise—not quite a
moan—escaped Remus’s throat as he began to respond in kind. Darkness enveloped them as Remus
dropped his wand and tangled his hand in Sirius’s hair.
Sirius didn’t know
if it was the warm, wet heat of Remus’s mouth and the velvety sensation of his
tongue, or the way Remus’s body was pressed firmly against his own, or the
echoing in his mind of the sound Remus had made, and his desire to hear it
again, but something had an effect upon him. The familiar heavy heat of arousal
left him hoping Remus would shift just slightly to the right and crush against
him even more tightly.
Instead, Remus
tempered the searing kisses down to a few light lingering ones and took a step
back. He was still within the
curve of Sirius’s arm, but no longer crushingly close. Sirius couldn’t see the look on
Remus’s face, but the warm breath on his face was nearly
panting.
“Well?” Sirius
asked with a smile. “What are the test results?”
Remus chuckled. “I am. I am definitely gay. You?”
“Interested in further testing.”
-- Written September 2004